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Sharks Gameday: Hire me, Edmonton

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Dallas Eakins got shit canned


The Sharks have been seeing way too much of Edmonton as of late. This is approximately the third time in eleven days that they are playing each other because you know, it was hard enough writing about those terrible eastern teams for the past three weeks, now I'm treated with the worst team in the league OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN! Hooray!

There's been a minor change since the last time that the Sharks and Oilers met though...their head coach, Dallas Eakins, was canned. I personally love Dallas Eakins because he reminds me of myself--dead inside. Also, his attempt to put beat writers out of work makes him my favourite person on the planet.

<blockquote class="twitter-tweet" lang="en"><p>Here&#39;s a new way to get the lineup... RT <a href="">@dallaseakins</a>: Scrivens back in. Hemsky and Ference are not ready vs Sharks.</p>&mdash; James Mirtle (@mirtle) <a href="">January 29, 2014</a></blockquote>

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Love you & miss you, Coach Eakins (you too, Mirtle *wink*)

For the time being, Todd Nelson, known for his coaching of the fake AHL Barons, is the Oilers coach but who knows if that will last? They haven't been able to pick up a win yet in the Nelson era, although they did manage to get a point the other night against the Coyotes.

The Oilers are pathetic and it's clearly only because of the coaching so that's why they need someone who can successfully take this team from being a 28th-30th place team to perhaps a 23rd-26th place and I'm just the girl to do that.

Why would I be a good fit for the Oilers, you ask? Well frankly, they are out of viable coaching options. Anyone who wants to have a successful career in this biz will not touch that team with a 100 foot pole. Dallas Eakins' career was promising and now it's ruined. NHL coaching jobs are scarce but I can't imagine many people who are actually willing to lead this band of misfits.

This is where I come in! I have never #PlayedTheGame nor have I coached a sports team in the past, but I have something that could be of great value to this team. You might know this already, or this might come as a shock to you, but I am a mental health professional! Think about how beneficial it would be for the players who are stuck in Edmonton to get bad coaching (which they are used to) PLUS free (not actually free) therapy before, during and/or after the games!

Crisis intervention is actually one of my specialties and considering the amount of blowouts the Oilers tend to have per month, I could utilize my skills greatly! I could help Oilers players develop impulse control, build their self-esteem, give them psychoeducation about various drugs (you know, just incase) and help them patch up their relationships with family and friends who are embarrassed that they play for the Oilers!

I also have experience in group therapy, which would be really, really good #InTheRoom, and I also have a lot of experience working with children, so this is the perfect population for me!

I have a small yet demanding list of requests if the Oilers do hire me.

1) They have to be moved to California

I am not living in Edmonton.

2) I must get paid at least two million dollars a game

If those idiots on Big Bang Theory get a million per episode than I should get more money for coaching a team that is way funnier than that show will ever be.

3) Let me hire Ryan and Jared as my assistant coaches

I need them to fan me and feed me grapes.

4) A couch instead of a shitty bench

In order to have a good therapeutic environment, my clie-uhh I mean players, need to get comfortable.

5) Pizza

I need to be given pizza at any moment of any day for the rest of my life.

We'll be in touch, Edmonton.


San Jose Sharks vs. Edmonton Oilers

7:30pm PST

Sad Asshole Patrol Center



This is the first game that the Sharks have played this week and I am loving that. The last one they played was on Saturday vs. Nashville and they won somehow without Mike Brown! Although the adversity keeps piling up and the Kurz narratives keep rolling in, Sharks will win this one, 4-2. Goals from Tommy Wingels, Joe Pavelski (x2) and Brent Burns.

Setting the Tone:

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Dedicated to the late Dallas Eakins /pours a lil out

Tweet of the Day:

<blockquote class="twitter-tweet" lang="en"><p>Six coaches at Oilers practice??? <a href=""></a></p>&mdash; Jeanshorts (@JSBMjeanshorts) <a href="">December 16, 2014</a></blockquote>

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Please follow Jeanshorts on twitter. He's a wonderful friend and hilarious.

Hockey Tattoo of the Day:


<blockquote class="twitter-tweet" lang="en"><p>Are we SURE the Oilers logo isn&#39;t a teardrop?</p>&mdash; Jiggy Pudding (@bookofloob) <a href="">November 23, 2014</a></blockquote>

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