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Kings Gameday: Boston Brewin'

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Themes and word play!

Muzzin getting impaled
Muzzin getting impaled
Bob DeChiara-USA TODAY Sports

Ever since I was fifteen, I have tried quite a bit of alcohol. From the first shitty awful Bud Light from a keg at a house party, to drinking hobo vodka in an alley in San Bernardino, I can say I have tried a pretty wide variety of liver-wrecking and brain-degenerating liquors. I'm not saying I am a connoisseur, but rather that I've tried a pretty wide variety. I'm no brew master. I'm a brew in-taker. This has included a good amount of Sam Adams. Hey, they've had a lot of different variety packs at Costco. I'd say I am well versed enough with a lot of their different beers to find their comparable player on the Boston Bruins.

Harvest Saison - Patrice Bergeron

A weird name for a beer that was pretty decent. I remember it was a tad underwhelming, but it was light. This is very important to me, because it means I can get drunk.

Porch Rocker - Dougie Hamilton

I am certain the Boston Bruins organization and their fans are putting forth a very concerted effort to convince everyone that Dougie Hamilton is a serious Hockey Player. Despite being named "Dougie" and not being very good every time I have seen him play, that is. Porch Rocker sounds like a bad offshoot of country or bluegrass music, and is advertised as being a pleasant summer beverage. I doubt it is even a beer. It was closer to Miller Lite mixed with that powder from Kool-Aid Lemonade.

Summer Ale - Simon Gagne

Did you forget Simon Gagne was in the NHL? I did. The Summer Ale is way too watery, and despite having eleven of them they failed to get me drunk. I don't think Gagne has even played in eleven games since 2012.

Whitewater IPA - Brad Marchand

Staying on the trend of overly watery summer beers, the Whitewater IPA was very similar to the Summer Ale, except it was really fruity. Well, that fake sort of fruity that is entirely chemically manufactured to where it tastes like pure rat shit. Brad Marchand is also made entirely of rat shit.

Chocolate Bock - Adam McQuaid

I know a bock is supposed to be heavy, and despite being a seasoned alcohol, I am never able to finish this damn beer. It's like it is made out of an entire damn cocoa tree. Afterwards I feel sluggish and slow, and you can see where I am heading with this with McQuaid.

Boston Lager - Loui Eriksson

Eriksson was a player you always heard about and how "underrated" he was. Sam Adams' franchise beer was one I usually heard about how much better it was than everything else available (since I couldn't buy beer for myself and had to usually settle for Coors or Budweiser). Both, once you experience them, are letdowns. They aren't terrible, but after the hype...it's like watching The Phantom Menace for the first time.

OctoberFest - Zdeno Chara

Not a bad beverage, and really better than most everything else I've tried from Sam Adams. However, for an Oktoberfest style beer, it's not that great. I mean, Chara's good, but there are better defensemen in the league.

Blueberry Hill Lager - Tuukka Rask

Only goofy looking dweebs with weird ass names drink this beer.

Old Fezziwig Ale - David Krejci

These names are stupid.

Cold Snap - Torey Krug

Nothing about this beer makes any sense. It wasn't that bad, it just didn't really...fit? It's not a winter beer, which I guess makes sense since it's supposed to be winter beer but not really? Krug is supposed to be the next big defenseman for the Bruins...I guess? I'm not buying either.

Cherry Chocolate Bock - Milan Lucic

You look at this beer and realize it's going to be shitty. There will be close to no redeeming qualities in it. You can hardly stomach it. It is a grab bag of others mashed together to create some turd-like Frankenstein. It swears it will fucking kill you next year. This is a beer you give to people you don't like, and if someone willingly drinks it, you lose respect for them.

Escape Route - Greg Campbell

If you drink enough of these you can break a leg and remain convinced you are perfectly fine.

bruins preview

Tyler Toffoli has been relegated to the fourth line, Marian Gaborik got hurt, and the Kings defense still is questionable. Part of the reason why the Kings had to drop back to more of a typical fourth line is they can't balance out the whole lineup by scattering their bottom six forwards with Gaborik gone. They don't have another left wing of that caliber, so the Top Line Trevor Lewis experiment is put on hold. Closest I could get was with this:

King-Kopitar-Williams

Pearson-Carter-Toffoli

Brown-Stoll-Lewis

Clifford-Richards-Nolan

Funny how without one guy how much worse spreading the depth out looks.

Prediction: Kings can't score. Lose 3-1. Goal by Nolan again.