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Sharks Gameday: The St. Louis Blues are a Garbage Heap of Sadness

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What a big bunch of losers

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It has been 368 days since the last time St. Louis and San Jose played each other. In that year and three days, there has been a lot of ups and downs, but essentially it was a win because the Blues were nowhere near my beloved hockey team. You see, the St. Louis Blues are what we in the biz like to call a-sloppy-bag-of-severed-dicks. The demonic nature of the St. Louis Blues is something that we cannot stress enough here at Battle of California. It's important to spread awareness and to warn others about this god forsaken team that has so terrorized the National Hockey League for the past 46 seasons.

Although the Blues are mostly the worst thing on the face of the planet, there's a couple small perks to having them around--one of which is that they have the most pathetic history out of all the expansion teams. Yes, even more pathetic than Minnesota. You see, in their 46 seasons, they have accomplished absolutely nothing. I know what you're thinking, "but Stace, the Sharks don't necessarily have a rich history of success!" Yes, I know, but those idiots don't have as many years under their belt. In fact, if you recall, the Blues have been Shorking long before the Sharks have ever shorked. They were the favorite in the 1999-2000 season, President's trophy winners and all, only to be ousted in the first round by....the Sharks! If that's not some sort of loser inception, I don't know what is.

I guess I really shouldn't say that St. Louis shorked--it's more so that they blue themselves.

Another perk about the St. Louis Blues is that they've ruined several careers of dummies over the years! Let's take a stroll down memory lane:

1) Wayne Gretzky: This showy asshole couldn't win a cup with Los Angeles and for some reason thought that going to St. Louis was a good idea. This move was comparable to when the Lakers picked up Dwight Howard; Gretzky basically ruined the chemistry of the team and caused them to have another disappointing season. Wayne's reputation was tarnished and he ended up with the saddest job in the NHL, coaching the Phoenix Coyotes.

2) Adam Oates: This noted diaper baby had a short stint with St. Louis and cried about how he didn't get paid as much as the other players on the team. Now he's sad and unemployed because he's a jealous pissbaby.

3) Grant Fuhr: This dingus signed with St. Louis and due to his reckless style of goaltending suffered an injury during the 1996 playoffs and then he died.

4) Al MacInnis: This classless chap left Calgary via offersheet to go to St. Louis. He never won anything with St. Louis because they are bad so he lost an eye and died of a broken heart.

5) Martin Brodeur: This is a beautiful process that is in the works. This hack old fart is 87 years old and hasn't played good hockey since 1979 but hey, what's one more year? A Blues team that had a promising beginning to their season is now to plummet down the standings because this dude is putting up .882 sv% and a 3.59 GAA. With every moment he spends in a Blues jersey, his legacy depletes and the world rejoices.

As you can see, there are SOME good that comes out of St. Louis bei-fuck, who am I kidding? They're the worst. Those jerks broke Dan Boyle and they can fuck right off. May that shitheel pile of trash forever be pathetic.


San Jose Sharks vs. St. Louis Blues

7:30pm PST

Sad Asshole Patrol Center



The Sharks are winning! It's nice. I'm happy. Sports are fun! If Allen starts, Sharks win 4-2. Goals from Joe Thornton, Andrew Desjardins, Barclay Goodrow, and Tomas Hertl. If Brodeur starts, Sharks win 100-0. 100 goals from Tommy Wingels.

Setting the Tone:

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Here's a bunch of assholes from St. Louis booing 88 year old B.B. King.

Tweet of the Day:

<blockquote class="twitter-tweet" lang="en"><p>Is Oshie mayor yet RT <a href="">@osh4mayor</a>: What the hell happened to the Blues from the first period? <a href="">#stlblues</a></p>&mdash; Torque Penderloin (@AndrewCieslak) <a href="">December 19, 2014</a></blockquote>

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Follow Andrew Cieslak right now.

Awful Hockey Tattoo of the Day:

This is the equivalent of getting a penis tattooed on you