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Sharks Gameday: Introducing #FancyShats

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An indepth analysis of the Vancouver Canucks using #FancyShats

Burrows admiring an actual hockey player
Burrows admiring an actual hockey player
Lance Iversen-USA TODAY Sports

There are a lot of advanced stats out there for hockey nowadays. The nerds have taken over the game at a rapid rate and there's no stopping to the madness. Bloggers are being hired left and right by the National Hockey League, cats and dogs are living together--MASS HYSTERIA! Anyway, these nerds are thieving babies--they stole all their brillance from the likes of Germ Corgi, Mart Fernwock, and Brain Kong. Those three dringuses revolutionized how one doesn't watch the games.

I also would like to be hired by the National Hockey League but I am not a mathemagician. I figured that if I came up with a stat that was simple enough for me to understand, it'll at least be something that you, the Battle of California reader, will be able to understand. If a Battle of California reader can understand my statistic, than surely the NHL higher ups will also understand because they are idiots.

So many stats now focus on shots and possession, which is great if you are a boring and lame person. There are not enough stats that highlight the actual character of individual players on the team. This is where I come in--I believe that if we know analyze the players for who they are, we will be able to better understand the game.

Being Good In The Room and having Grit is a thing of the past as of now, for I am to introduce to you, FancyShats! Since the Sharks are playing the Canucks tonight, I thought we could take the time to learn about FancyShats with an indepth analysis of Vancouver Canucks!

The point of FancyShats is to decipher who is the biggest piece of shit on each hockey team. Many factors go into this, such as: cheapshots, tantrums, dives, having a dumb face, etc. The Canucks are a perfect, yet difficult example for FancyShats because there are so many shitheads on the team.

The main way to display FancyShats is by using a Hot Poop Map (HPM).

The heads that are closest to the center and the biggest in size represent the biggest shitheads. As the heads get smaller and closer to the sides of the coil means that the players are kind of-to-not really shitheads. A majority of the players on the Canucks are in the RBS (Real Big Shithead) category, so many overlap in the center of the coil.

As you can see, Alex Burrows is the center of the HPM, because he is the biggest shithead on the Canucks. Overlapping him is Kevin Bieksa, who is a close second. The RBS category expands further to the likes of Tom Sestito, Ryan Miller, Zack Kassian, Derek Dorsett, Alexander Edler, Dan Hamhuis, Christopher Tanev, the Sedins, and Chris Higgins.

The next category is MSS, which stands for Medium Sized Shitheads. The representatives of the MSS are Nick Bonino, Luca Sbisa, Radim Vrbata, Brad Richardson, and Shawn Matthias.

The last category is GBAS, which stands for Guilty By Association Shitheads. These guys probably wouldn't be bad if they weren't on the Canucks. The GBAS are Bobby Sanguinetti, Linden Vey, Yannick Weber, Bo Horvat, Ryan Stanton, and lastly Eddie Lack.

As you can see, FancyShats are very useful and can help one determine the jerk players on other teams and also your own team! If you ever use FancyShats without the permission of myself, Ms. Stace of Base, you will be shamed via Battle of California comments or at the center of the Twitter Townsquare.

Call me anytime, National Hockey League.

Gameday!

San Jose Sharks vs. Vancouver Canucks

7:00pm PST

Sad Asshole Patrol Center

CSN-CA

Prediction:

The Sharks lost to the Kings (rinse, wash, repeat) and I'm feeling extremely apathetic. Is it All-Star break yet? Sharks win, 3-2. Goals from Brent Burns, Barclay Goodrow, and Tommy Wingels.

Setting the Tone:

A mash-up of Passion of the Christ and Vancouver legend Bryan Adams. I'm sorry.

Tweet of the Day:

Awful Hockey Tattoo of the Day:

Juggalos make the weirdest life decisions.