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Kings Gameday: Not Very Kinglike

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At least they are winning

Holy crap
Holy crap
Todd Korol

Two games back into the season again and the Kings have, um, not looked great. But they won both their games, so that's good. But they also have been getting out possessed by teams they should control, and that's bad. But they have scored some goals (finally!), and that's good. The Kings also had to get bailed out by Martin Jones and Jonathan Quick to escape with wins, which is bad but good because that's what goalies are supposed to. Also, Dustin Brown is putting up some points (finally! Again!), and that's good. Even if only to piss off the rest of the league. Jordan Nolan is on the second line, which is bad. Alec Martinez is back in the lineup, and that's good. The Kings still took a lot of penalties, and that's bad. Jake Muzzin has looked better with less minutes, and that's good. He still looks like an eel, and that's bad. Lastly, Robyn Regehr's scoring streak has ended, and that is completely normal because shit was getting weird.

It's been a rather small sample size, yes, but they Kings have been...very un-Kings like. You know, with scoring and everything. And with bad Corsi, too! That could probably be written off as rust, and then the second portion of a back-to-back though. It's been nice to see for a change that even when not playing dominating hockey the Kings can break off a few wins. Especially after looking like shitballs leading into the Olympics. Since the eleven games starting with the net debacle in Detroit then going into the break, the Kings out attempted teams eight times, tied once, and lost twice. Of course the games they didn't win in possession they picked up five points out of a possible six. The games where the Kings won possession, well, you can probably remember how those went. Then in the two games back since the break the Kings have lost possession both times. And won. Go figure.

Hell, maybe they can keep it up when they return to controlling possession again. You can only win so many Maple Leaf-esque games after all. Or maybe not, seeing how the Kings are 9-5 when getting out attempted (8-3 disregarding shootouts) and are 22-23 when they lead in attempts (17-21 without shootouts). Obviously, the recent bumblefuck had a large part in that.

Things they should do though:

  1. Put Nolan back on the fourth line.
  2. Try Brown or Dwight King on the second line.
  3. Keep Martinez and Muzzin in the lineup.
  4. Don't add Andrew MacDonald, please for fuck's sake.
  5. Don't play Quick in back-to-back situations again.
  6. Hire me.
  7. Go back to purple and gold.
  8. Pay me $70,000 to go away.
  9. Do not allow bench interviews with Darryl Sutter without a translator.
  10. Allow more shots? Take less shots? Play worse? I don't know.


Jerk-Off 2014

No surprises regarding the Flames, as Brian Burke won easily. Carolina is up now, and this is a team that I personally don't know too much about, nor have any real strong opinions about. Thanks for Justin Williams. Glad you ditched Erik Cole. Good luck with Toronto castoffs for your defense. North Carolina is an okay state (as I have mentioned a few thousand times before), and the Hurricanes just don't come around to often. Here's four players I have heard of that may get votes. I really don't know.

Tuomo Ruutu

An abuser of vowels.

Eric Staal

The Staal who scores.

Jordan Staal

The Staal with a really long head.

Cam Ward

He sorta sucks.

Seriously though, if anyone has better ideas, please let me know. I know nothing about this team besides that their logo looks like a butthole.

Prediction: The Kings ignore my advice and lose 5 billion to 1.