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Kings Gameday: Oui Oui

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Those French sure are crazy

I donno either, man
I donno either, man
Phillip MacCallum

Quebec is rather strange by Canada's standards. Whereas the rest of Canada labels themselves as polite, apologetic, and hard working they tend to bash their frenchy cousins to the east. Instead they get the labels of aloof, arrogant, and enigmatic. You know, like France. There are a fair amount of French-Canadians in the NHL, though the Kings don't have any ever since they traded away Simon Gagne and Jonathan Bernier. Really, the Kings could be known as the "Anze Kopitar and English Speakers" team (okay and Slava Voynov also). Unfortunately because of this, Kings fans don't know too much regarding Quebec and French-Canadians. Luckily, I am here to help.


This is France. The Eiffel Tower is really fucking big. It is also a sexual maneuver involving two males and one female. But France has also given us much more than that. They have a bike tour where a bunch of white guys ride around and site see. That Lance Armstrong guy was really good at that, though it turns out he was full of more drugs than an American steak. Anyways, France was involved in the North America European invasion during the 1700s but lost out to England and Spain for the most part. Some French stuck around in Canada trapping beavers because they reminded them of their women. Others hung around in Louisiana to coach college football.

So like all Canadians, the French hosers took up the game of hockey also. Long story short, Don Cherry hates them because they are French-Canadians, which means they are European pinko commies that also cry a lot. But that's stereotyping again! Here are some real French-Canadian, and Montreal, facts:

  • They were the original Canada! Or, as France referred to it, "New France"!
  • French-Canadians don't enjoy being called french, which is pretty odd given the fact above.
  • French-Canada was given to Britain by France after Britain kicked their butts, along with the natives, in the French and Indian War.
  • The French actually fought alongside the indigenous people of North America, which was totally counter intuitive to European behavior at the time.
  • Well, the French didn't love the native peoples too much, as Montreal was the main site of fighting between French colonists and Iroquois Indians in what was called, and I swear I am not making this up, the Beaver Wars.
  • Montreal was founded by a guy who was most renown for playing a lute.


*Visual approximation

  • Montreal's oldest hero is a French dude named Adam Dollard des Ormeaux.
  • Ol' Dollard went with 16 or so other guys and picked a fight with about 700 Iroquois. Some say it was to show what a badass he was and stop the Iroquois before they reached Montreal, but others say he was trying to runaway from the impending invasion of Montreal
  • That fight didn't go well, as you could predict, and they all got killed by the Iroquois. It's referred to as the Battle of Long Sault, where the french guys holed up, then got smoked. They are seen as heroes for whatever reason (sort of like Texas and the Alamo).
  • Quebec nowadays still debates seceding from the rest of Canada (also sort of like Texas).
  • The rest of Canada doesn't really care what the hell Quebec does and finds them rather annoying (again, much like Texas).
  • Montreal was called Canada's cultural capital by Monocle magazine, which isn't ridiculous and pretentious sounding at all.
  • Montreal is the international capital of steak seasoning.


Jerk-Off 2014

The Hurricanes had NO ONE win. They are that unmemorable. That's it. Enough about them though, today we have the Montreal Canadiens. Let's get right to it.

George Parros

Super Mario > Burt Reynolds > Tom Selleck > Ned Flanders > Mike Piazza > Cops > Gallagher > George Parros.

Max Pacioretty

Everyone seems to just feel bad for Pacioretty after Zdeno Chara nearly killed him, but they kind of gloss over the fact he hit a man who has a hole in his heart.

Douglas Murray

I know, I know. Including a large boulder on this list was a rather odd decision. Oh well.

P.K. Subban

All these people hate him, and I have no idea why! They must have a good reason. I mean, that many people wouldn't hate P.K. Subban just because he is a black man playing extraordinarily well in a predominantly white sport. That would be crazy!

Prediction: Everyone actually loves P.K. Subban from here on out because Twelve Years a Slave won best picture. Alright, alright, alright.