:format(webp)/cdn.vox-cdn.com/uploads/chorus_image/image/30891487/20140124_jla_aj4_133.0.jpg)
Up until a few years ago, this time of the year was awful. The Kings were typically out of playoff contention and the Dodgers were just starting to crush my hopes and dreams. Usually, it was up to the Lakers to make life exciting. Now we live in a strange time where the Dodgers are World Series favorites, the Kings are Cup contenders (again!), and the Clippers are L.A.'s basketball force while the Lakers are a total mess.
Baseball technically started more than a week ago in Australia for whatever reason, but it also had their "Opening Game" this past Sunday. It doesn't make a whole lot of sense, but the NHL has done similar crap. Like starting the year in Europe and having outdoor games during the middle of the season. It got me thinking of more similarities between the two sports. There aren't any. So instead I started thinking if the Kings were a baseball team. Sure, you could start with the obvious things like, "Oh, Quick could play catcher," and, "Martinez can play shortstop because his name is 'Martinez'", but that's still overdone.
No, I decided to go with what would be certain player's walk up music. Walk up music in baseball, especially in the minor leagues, has a tendency to be bizarre from time to time. Torii Hunter has used the Sanford and Son theme, and Mike Trout used to have that Barney show song. A few guys when I worked (ha) used "The Circle of Life" and "Land Down Under". So here's what the Kings (probably) would have.
- "I Don't Give a Fuck" by Tupac for the thugnificent Slava Voynov.
- Alec Martinez, obviously, would have "Lowrider". Because Nomar Garciaparra used it as a Dodger, and he was a big fan.
- "Im Too Sexy" by Right Said Fred for Jarret Stoll. He's not some loser who wants LMFAO, and prefers the classics.
- Jeff Carter would use the chorus from "Closer" by Nine Inch Nails.
- "The Monster Mash" for Anze Kopitar.
- Willie Mitchell chose one of those tracks used by spas where it's just whale calls and nature noises.
- Using the only song on his iPod, Trevor Lewis chose "The Saga Begins" by Weird Al.
- Dwight King has the Talking Heads' "Psycho Killer".
- Ever the connoisseur of culture, Drew Doughty has the Junkanoo hit from 2000, the Grammy winning Best Dance Record "Who Let the Dogs Out?" by Baha Men.
- Eric Clapton's "Cocaine" for Mike Richards, because drug abuse is hilarious!
- Justin Williams went with "Tarzan Boy".
Be sure to include your ideas, because they are probably better.
Jerk-Off 2014 QUARTER FINALS
This may be the group that produces the ultimate winner, at least in my opinion. Perry is the biggest pain in the ass in the league, Cooke may have the history to win it all, and Mike Milbury beats kids. We also got the delinquent Patrick Kane. Or does Jack Johnson being, as Rudy described him, hockey Lupus get him through? YOU DECIDE.
Corey Perry, Anaheim Ducks
<blockquote class="twitter-tweet" lang="en"><p>Corey Perry puts the "ASS" in "class."</p>— George Malik (@georgemalik) <a href="https://twitter.com/georgemalik/statuses/422567914814722048">January 13, 2014</a></blockquote>
<script async src="//platform.twitter.com/widgets.js" charset="utf-8"></script>
<blockquote class="twitter-tweet" data-conversation="none" lang="en"><p>. <a href="https://twitter.com/SanJoseSharks">@SanJoseSharks</a> Corey Perry is like if someone made a Frankenstein out of just dicks. <a href="https://twitter.com/search?q=%23SharksHeadline&src=hash">#SharksHeadline</a></p>— Megalodon (@MegalodonBOC) <a href="https://twitter.com/MegalodonBOC/statuses/446877280292179968">March 21, 2014</a></blockquote>
<script async src="//platform.twitter.com/widgets.js" charset="utf-8"></script>
<blockquote class="twitter-tweet" lang="en"><p>Corey Perry was created in a Petri dish by combining human bile and possum shit</p>— SJ (@stace_ofbase) <a href="https://twitter.com/stace_ofbase/statuses/445037537807982593">March 16, 2014</a></blockquote>
<script async src="//platform.twitter.com/widgets.js" charset="utf-8"></script>
People don't like Corey Perry.
Matt Cooke, Minnesota Wild
He's ended careers and launched forensic investigations. I don't think anyone else can make both those claims.
Patrick Kane, Chicago Blackhawks
A fan of fluorescent shirts with yourself on them? Or are you that frat guy? Kane is both. Very talented guy.
Dan Ellis, The One Percent
He angrily waves his gold-handled cane from his hot air balloon at this list.
Jack Johnson, Columbus Blue Jackets
Call him "The Baker" because he puts up donuts and makes a ton of turnovers.
Mike Milbury, NHL on NBC
The man is a failure in every sense of the word. Garth Snow still seems like a better option than him as a GM, Jeremy Roenick is more tolerable as a TV personality, and leaving your kids with Gary Glitter may seem preferable.
Prediction: You have "Tarzan Boy" stuck in your head for the rest of the day.
Loading comments...