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Kings Gameday: Didn't We Just Do This?

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Oh great, is this a thing now?

Stephen Dunn

What the hell? Didn't the Kings just play the Sharks in a playoff series? Like, a month ago or something? Well, this is wonderful and the Kings are subjected to play up in San Jose again. You all know I am not a big fan of San Jose already, so let's skip those formalities. And yeah, at first I was really disappointed the Kings weren't playing the Ducks in the first round. A southern California series has been a long time coming, and the Ducks are terrible. Plus, they are a huge bunch of weasel diddlers, and deserve a solid ass beating for the hell of it. But then I realized playing the Sharks was just like playing the Ducks anyways! For example:

  • Their captain is a total colonoscopy bag fucker: Ryan Getzlaf is a big, bald, whiny badger (now without teeth). Joe Thornton yells about his dick to get attention for himself when people aren't talking to him. Absolutely classless. Good thing the Kings' captain is a well liked and respected member of the NHL.

  • They have annoying foreign scoring wingers that everyone just looooooooves: Teemu Selanne is an old fart bucket. And, well, you already are aware of the bullshit Tomas Hertl pulls. Selanne is close to knocking on death's door, but unfortunately we are stuck with having to hear about how wonderful Tomas Hertl is for years it looks like. Thankfully, the Kings got Dustin Brown and hopefully he'll finish the job.
  • The amount of thugs and pests they employ: Mike Brown, Raffi Torres, and Andrew Desjardins on one side. Corey Perry, Tim Jackman, and a bunch of little wiener kids no one has ever heard of on the other. Lousy hockey players that only muck up the game. Really a disgrace to the sport.
  • Both of their nicknames live in water. Mostly: Okay this was sort of a stretch since ducks, well, don't really live in water, but whatever. Moving on.
  • Their fans are pretentious nutsacks: Northern Californians carry around the arrogant belief of their superiority, despite being a bunch of scrawny nerds that haven't seen the sun in months. The Ducks have people obliviously wander into the Ponda Honda, or whatever it's called, and talk about how much money they make.
  • Both of their goalies suck: Antii Niemi gets beat by Trevor freaking Lewis to cost his team a playoff series. Jonas Hiller lost his job to some red headed weirdo named "Freddy".
  • Neither team is in place people have actually heard of: "San Jose?" "Yeah, it is in northern California." "You mean San Francisco?" Congratulations, San Jose. You're a suburb. Meanwhile... "Anaheim?" "Yeah, it's where Disneyland is!" "Do you live in the Matterhorn?"
  • They exist because of the Kings: Wait. God dammit.
  • Incredibly unattractive people:





Get some ProActive, kid.

  • Their bloggers at Battle of California are complete hacks: Good thing I'm around, right?


Prediction: Kings in six. Sharks trade Niemi during the offseason and acquire Tim Thomas.