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Kings Gameday: Farewell, Phoenix

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The Coyotes finally move out

Dwight King ready to shit all over the Coyotes
Dwight King ready to shit all over the Coyotes
Bruce Bennett

Today marks the last time the Kings will ever play the Phoenix Coyotes. They had a good run, but as recent years indicated this was inevitable. A team in Phoenix was an interesting prospect, and I can understand the league's desire to make an impact in the sun belt, but overall it has been a wasted effort. Phoenix had no real grassroots ties with hockey, and shortly after the early years the novelty wore off. Attendance dipped. Performance suffered. Opposing teams' fans filled the arena instead.

The Coyotes became the epitome of what the Northeast hockey havens imagined what the Pacific Division was: Boring, passionless, and thuggish. Watching Phoenix perpetuated the thought that these were the teams driving the NHL into the ground. Hell, I'm sure many would lump the Coyotes as a franchise partially responsible for the lockouts. You could say the Coyotes and their floundering eclipsed the rise of California as a hockey superpower.

So we say farewell to Phoenix. Despite Gary Bettman wanting so badly to keep the team there, to not admit defeat, it's time. And the NHL will be better for it. Phoenix will be better for it. The problems you gave to Winnipeg have been repaired. At the cost of another city, no less. But really, the Coyotes? Coyotes don't howl. They yip. You don't even play in Phoenix really either. Stop living a lie. Let it go. Enjoy Seattle, or Quebec, or whatever other more deserving city that gets your team and probably has success immediately. It's bound to happen after a player that actually commands respect replaces your ant hill fucking current captain, Shane Doan. Maybe Mike Smith can get some publicity finally and everyone can see firsthand that he is a living used, shit covered condom. It's been a real fucking ride with you dicks. And-

What?

They're not leaving?

Arizona?

Oh yeah, okay. That will save em.

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Jerk-Off 2014 QUARTER FINALS

Today we have an interesting bunch. NBC is not represented for once, though we have a goalie, a dead guy, a superstar, a GM, and a color. Also, Raffi Torres.

Mike Smith, Phoenix Coyotes

The "Buttgoal" was only a moderately entertaining .GIF, but it was Mike Smith scoring on himself to lose a game. Everyone loves that because Smith is one of the worst divers and dirt bag goalies to play the game.

Chris Pronger, Philadelphia Flyers

Chris "The Elbowing Turnip" Pronger has fallen on hard times. As in he doesn't do much of anything and still receives a nice check for it. Sure, he has injuries that will hinder him throughout the rest of his life, but he's such an asshole.

Sidney Crosby, Pittsburgh Penguins

Entitled, overly hyped, and a whiny little bitch. Okay, yeah, he's very talented, but the man cries more than a seven year old seeing My Girl for the first time.

Brian Burke, Calgary Flames

Insane hair and insane managing. He wasn't solely responsible for building Team USA, though he had a large hand in it, and he was bat shit crazy about going about it. Looking at the Flames, it is safe to say Burke may need to be in a mental ward.

The Color Yellow, Nashville Predators

The Buffalo Sabres have atrocious thirds and we can look to Nashville for the inspiration. Yellow jerseys aren't a good look (I hope you are reading this Kings management), and the Predators are a real abuser. Way to go, urinal lickers.

Raffi Torres, San Jose Sharks

He's been hurt all year pretty much, and he still dominated the Wild Card round. Injuring half the league can do that, I suppose.