Kings Gameday: Help Hotline

[beep]

Greetings. Thank you for calling 1-800-LA-Y-GOD-Y. You have reached the Los Angeles Kings Fan Suicide Prevention Hotline. We understand that you are confused, upset, angry, drunk, and/or suffering from indigestion following the two games of the Kings getting shellacked. They did after all allow more goals in these two games then they ever did in the regular season in any three game stretch. However, due to unexpectedly high caller traffic following game two Sunday evening, we have automated our system to direct you to the proper personnel. Please hold for a moment.

["We Are United, We're Undivided" plays]

Thank you for your patience.

If you have been having trouble sleeping regarding goal differential press 1 now.

If you specifically are haunted in your dreams by Matt Greene defending, well, anyone really, press 2 now.

If you are finding yourself throwing objects at your TV while Jack Johnson, that fucking square headed catcher's mitt, scores fucking somehow, press 3.

If you are suffering from hallucinations from seeing the Jennings trophy sprouting a face and laughing maniacally at you, press 4 now.

If you are burning effigies of Jonathan Quick, press 5 now. We will notify a fire department as well.

If you find yourself believing adding Colin Fraser on a line with Kyle Clifford and Jordan Nolan will turn things around, slap yourself. If this has no effect, press 6.

If you find yourself muttering "Mike Brown" and/or "Raffi Torres" under your breath before you sleep along with "Valar morghulis, press 7.

If you have been going up to everyone you come across and ask in a panic where has Mike Richards gone, press 8.

If someone informs you with what is wrong with Mike Richards and where he has gone, press 9.

If you think this is because of bad karma from Tomas Hertl take the phone and smash it against your dumb fucking skull, you insufferable pig taint.

If you would like to speak to an operator immediately, stay on the line and wait or press 0 now. Be aware we are very busy and there is a chance they may have hanged themselves possibly as well.

Prediction: [gunshot]