BURGERS! Everyone loves burgers. People like pizza, too. And that's fair. Pizza is great drunk food, food to have at a party, or just when you need fast greasy triangles to shove down your throat. But you never go out of your way to get exceptional pizza. Honestly, it's all the same shit. A variety of toppings and that is it. Chicago deep-dish pizza isn't even pizza, so let's just stop that discussion. It's a casserole. Besides that, pizza is uniformly the same shit.
Burgers though, man. Not only do the toppings change up just as much as pizza, but there is uniqueness in burgers. What type of bread is used in the buns? How is the beef cooked? Is it actually even beef, or is ostrich or buffalo? What about the cheese? Then you can throw whatever the hell else you want onto the damn thing. You can still have burgers when you are drunk. You can still get one that's a boiling ball of grease and eat it on the run. And most importantly, some burgers you go out of your way to get. There's an upper echelon of food that burgers can get to that pizza can't. And tasty burgers are something you can kill someone over.
See? Tasty fucking burgers, Brad.
Now, there is one last thing we need to discuss regarding pizzas versus burgers. This pains me to say, so I just will put it out there...California sucks at pizza. I don't like admitting when California isn't best in something, and I never say California sucks in certain regards, but pizza...it blows. In all shapes, types, and degrees. Other locales may have a signature style of pizza, but not California. Unless you count sucking. In which case California style is the worst. California can't even copy other styles of pizza properly. It's terrible, but we just need to admit it. California Pizza Kitchen? An over priced travesty. "OooOOoooh, but we put lots of different veggies on it." Fuck you. I just paid twenty-five bucks for a salad with extra cheese and croutons with a ketchup sauce. The best pizza you are going to get here is the place that offers you the best value: Costco. Hell, California is probably the only reason that dump Papa John's exists.
But our burgers...In-N-Out. Need I say more? Way cheaper than pizza, and it beats the shit out of it, too. Like cops beating up a homeless guy. We got the two dollar beef greaser down also. Jack in the Box is dirt cheap and glorious when you are in need of a late night fix. Del Taco, too. They serve Mexican food AND burgers. Oh, and look at that. No pizza. Slaters 50/50 has you covered when you want a beast of a burger. Five Guys is basically a burger in pizza format. An unremarkable slate with which to customize endlessly. This was never even a contest, get the fuck outta here.
And guess what? The Sharks are pizza. Their core is meh. They rotate around complimentary players like toppings and expect you to love them. And what have they given you? Regret and constipation. The Kings however are masterfully created burger. Anze Kopitar is the center and core. The "beef". The bottom bun, while vital, can be flimsy at times. However, you need that piece of bread. That's Jonathan Quick. The top bun? The kids on defense. Drew Doughty, Slava Voynov, and Alec Martinez keep everything together and from time to time steal the show. Jake Muzzin is the sauce of your choice. He appears to be a blend of something spicy mixed with mayonnaise. In any case, sauce can really make a burger. But if it overdoes it, it ruins things just as fast. As for Jeff Carter, he's the cheese. Are you lactose intolerant? Work on being more tolerant and try some cheese, anchovy dick. Carter/Cheese is vital. Richards and Stoll are the lettuce and tomatoes. Not vital. Not all that important. But they are staples nonetheless. The kids, Tyler Toffoli and Tanner Pearson are bacon. Excellent compliments. Marian Gaborik is when you get double bacon. Dustin Brown is avocado. You should like avocado. Everyone likes avocado. Perfect fit, obviously. Everyone else is whatever crazy shit you feel like adding. Robyn Regehr is alfalfa sprouts because they are pretty weird and everyone picks around those.
Jerk-Off 2014 QUARTER FINALS
Only one more group after this bunch here, then we are off to the semi finals in jerking. Today's group features two heavy hitters, but I would not be surprised if someone pulled an upset (looking at you Tim Thomas). Here we go.
Megalodon Q. Pennyfeathers, Battle of California
Look at this jerk.
Daniel Carcillo, New York Rangers
Ol' Gorilla Salad left the Kings with a lot of memories. He arguably made a great impact than Matt Frattin, though. He has a reputation for being a dirty player, looks gross, tweets disturbing (yet kind of funny) stuff, and his nick name is a reference to pubic hair. What a guy.
Tim Thomas, Tea Party
Call him the anti-Meg. He doesn't write about hockey. He plays it professionally, though only when it suits him. He doesn't try to destroy America's foundation. He doesn't even read, besides Atlas Shrugged. No murse either. He carries a gun. His biggest problem is that fucking awful stache to go with the worst crime against goalie fashion ever.
P.K. Subban, Montreal Canadiens
Despite playing in a style similar to that of Drew Doughty, Subban catches way more flak. I wonder why.
Matt Martin, New York Islanders
Who cares about him? Make your vote count and choose someone else.
Steve Ott, St. Louis Blues
The Blues' real winner, which says a lot about the guy when he can overpower one of the more disliked teams in the league. He's licking his way to the center of our hearts. Or our buttholes.