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Kings Gameday: Screeching Halt

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Haha! See what I did there? Hey, get back here


Canada, this is the end. You are great at production, but you can't manage. I mean your players. You are a factory in that regard, but you can't operate properly, and haven't for while. It's been a fun ride. Pack it in. Close up shop. Shut it down. I'm sorry to say, but you suck at hockey. Again, you make really great players! Really, we all appreciate it. Jeff Carter, Joe Thornton, and even that semen rag Corey Perry are pretty good at this game. But you see, they all had to go south to have their talents appreciated and not wasted on a train wreck that is the Edmonton Oilers, the bumbling Calgary Flames, the dumpster fire Vancouver Canucks, circus on ether show that is the Toronto Maple Leafs, the unremarkable Ottawa Senators, and the rest. Sure, Montreal is playoff bound, but you guys all pretty much hate Quebec. Over half the league makes the post-season and you guys had great odds. A 23.33% chance a Canadian team would win the Cup. Obviously this didn't take in the actual odds you guys had with your levels of "talent", but still. Only one team left. Your flat chance now? 6.25%. But let's be honest, it's lower than that. And remember, you're stuck with Quebec.

So goodbye, Calgary. Have fun with Burke and the transition to becoming Maple Leaf Alberta. Farewell, Edmonton. Well, sorta. The Kings play you tomorrow night, and I'll have fun with that then. Adios, Winnipeg. I hope you get that trade partner for Evander Kane who you seem to despise. So long, Ottawa...I like your semi-retro jerseys. Another time, Toronto. Seriously, you guys need to figure out what the fuck is going on with yourselves. And I'll miss you the most, Vancouver. You had a good run back in 2011. You actually looked semi-competent, until you had to go out in a glorious blaze of asshole behavior that made everyone root for BOSTON. Your division championships we all knew would run out, and the first round beatings in 2012 and 2013 indicated the end was nigh. We know it has been a humbling experience. It's certainly been entertaining for the rest of us. Running not one, but two goalies out of town. Having age catchup to your franchise's stars. Playing against quality opponents more frequently. Waiting for what new excuse was going to come next. Meltdowns from players, coaches, management. I will forever hold a place in my heart for your season. I hope to see you in the playoffs again sometime. Probably around 2027 though, given how you guys rebuild franchises.

But let's stay friends. Forever.



Jerk-Off 2014 SEMIFINALS

Only today then tomorrow's voting until the final four jerks. It is the same format as the previous round. Six jerks go in, two jerks get a bunch of clicks and are added to a list for later (that being the finals). This will be a very tough decision for you all. Luckily, I made a Haiku for each of them. Enjoy!

Dustin Brown, Los Angeles Kings

A beard of nightmares,

He's coming for you Tomas,

Pale clumsy knees.

Jeremy Roenick, NHL on NBC

"Patrick Marleau sucks!"

Self promote and cry on air,

Makes a farting noise.

Steve Ott, St. Louis Blues

He will run you down,

The mind of a crazy pig,

Wants your tasty ears.

Kevin Bieksa, Vancouver Canucks

Bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch,

Whine whine whine whine whine whine whine,

Please shut up Kevin.

Mike Milbury, NHL on NBC

Got no character,

A large bloated sack of beef,

Go hide your children.

Mike Smith, Phoenix Coyotes

Contact then he fly,

As he land he plots his move,

To hack your leg off.

Prediction: I win a prize for more poetic genius.