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Staci Getting Married

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Were you expecting her to make this announcement?

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Jerome Miron-USA TODAY Sports

As some of you may know already, our new Sharks writer here at Battle of California is getting married. Good for her! Right? Let's say, "sure". Congratulations, hooray, blah blah blah zippidee-damn-doo. But that's not the important part. No, what is important is that I have been invited to this wedding! And I plan on going! I've been invited to a few lately, but I haven't actually attended a wedding since I was eleven when my cousin got married and then moved as far away as she could from the rest of our family. A brilliant tactical move, but I digress.

There is a conundrum though involved in attending these sort of events. Namely, that you typically have to bring a date. While I have more than enough time to trick a girl to go with me before she discovers I am a obnoxious, narcissistic asshole I think it would be better to open this up to people that know not just myself, but Stace also. Stace was a past contest winner (with her boyfriend) that won a chance to meet me at a Sharks/Kings game way back in 2013. Yes, only to meet me. Christ, you people are disgusting. And by "won" I mean she bugged me on twitter to find out when I was attending a game. (What a stalker, right?!) So naturally for her wedding I would turn to the hockey blogging world again.

So, ladies (and gentleman if you happen to be Alec Martinez or a close enough substitute), now is a chance to not only meet me IN REAL LIFE, but also attend a wedding where there is a 99% chance I will be consuming vast quantities of liquor. Also, Stace, apologies in advance for getting shit-housed at your wedding. I suppose I should clarify this isn't even really a "contest", per say, and is more of a chance to get yourself on Battle of California as I will be posting our discussions on here probably. Heck, even if you are a dude, apply anyways! I don't judge (based on gender, but I will judge you on other things). And if you are going to catfish me, have at it! I'm way cooler than Manti Te'o, seeing as I look like Dirk Nowitzki (who's ACTUALLY won something).

Now this wedding isn't for a while, but I'll keep you up to date with this whole process. Plus, it's your chance to be part of BoC history! One writer will get married! Jer and myself will have a slam dunk contest! I'll probably die from alcohol poisoning! (Note: At the very least you will likely by interviewed by the cops in regards to me)

Oh! And rules:


Sorry to say, but yes, you actually need to contact me. You can view my wonderful dating profile I assembled for this endeavor here. Or you can just say you want to go in the comments. And have no fear, I will read and carefully consider each and every one of your messages. Be sure to say why I should take you to watch Stace get hitched. Your best answer would be to meet Jer also, and to kick him in the groin.


Oops. Maybe tell other people. That would be funny maybe.