SkyMall Gift Ideas for the Bloggers Who Have Everything

Most of last week I was traveling near the lesser coast. I'm back now and just as happy as ever to be #blessed enough to live in California.

Anyway, you never come back from a trip empty-handed, so here are some last minute shit gifts I ordered from the in-flight SkyMall catalog on the plane ride home for some of the folks here at Battle of California.

Dunn

Dunn has been struggling lately to find some companionship, and it's pretty clearly because he's a classless, drunken slob. In order to help make Dunn a bit more presentable and class him up a bit, I bought him this posh wine glass:

Now when you're a drunken mess, Dunn, you'll be a fashionable one (and won't spill anything on the already soiled shitrags you call clothes). Sure to impress the ladies!

Rudy Kelly

We all know that Rudy is a dog lover. And as a dog lover, he certainly doesn't want his dog getting soaked in the rain on one of the 3 days of the year it rains in Southern California. So I got you this, Rudy...

Please provide your own leash.

Megalodon

Likewise, Meg is a cat lover. What better way to let the world know how much you love cats than with this mounted hand mirror?

And don't think I forogot about little Chandler! Here's a fancy bowtie with LED lights that will help you find him in the dark.

Earl Sleek

Look, Earl, there's not much of anything in the SkyMall that seemed relevant to your interests. But I did find these in there, which you can use to drawk SleekToons on the sidewalk outside of the Home for Retired Bloggers:

Spade

I know how much Spade likes looking at pictures of ladies' butts, so I tore out this page of the catalog to give to him. I didn't buy anything from this page, I just thought he might want to frame it or something...

Also, how about this absolutely hilarious T-shirt that'll just leave everyone who reads it in stitches, but teach you a valuable lesson at the same time?

Grammar is important, Spade.

Stace

I don't know anything about Stace's interests, nor do I care to learn. So instead of getting her anything from the SkyMall catalog, I saved her some of these from the plane.

But then a few days later I found this out...

I accidentally ate peanut butter, RIP

— SJ (@stace_ofbase) August 10, 2014

Haha, @stace_ofbase is allergic to peanuts, what a fucking jerk.

— jer (@JerMeansWell) August 11, 2014

Oops, sorry Stace.

Group Therapy...

Finally, for use at the quarterly Battle of California staff picnic, I bought us one of these, so that we can stand in the center of it within close proximity of each other and stare in a paralyzing panic at a hovering sphere...

You're very welcome, guys!

It's good to be back.