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EVERYONE GETS A TEAM

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I think Gary is on meth again

"Yes, a team in Cortland, New York does sound great"
"Yes, a team in Cortland, New York does sound great"
Kirby Lee-USA TODAY Sports

It's been talked about for a while that the National Hockey League may very well be expanding. It made sense, since there was a bit of an imbalance with the conferences. The east had sixteen teams, the west only had fourteen. Of course, I just thought the league would fold New Jersey and Florida, and maybe move Phoenix to Seattle. Instead the NHL decided to add a few teams, Seattle being one of them, as long expected. Another was Las Vegas. And Toronto. And also Quebec City.

Yep, not two, but four teams are reportedly getting added to the NHL in 2017. It's a little odd since it doesn't really resolve the conference imbalance, and Las Vegas? The Coyotes are one fan being literally bored to death's lawsuit away from being contracted. But another team in the desert! Why not? I'm more disappointed about Seattle. That was supposed to be the Sharks new home. Now when they relocate they will either be the city's second team or will have to just go with Portland.

Toronto and Quebec getting teams had also been bantered about before, but them actually getting franchises is rather shocking. I mean, does Canada need two more organizations piling onto the active streak of 126 combined seasons of Cup-less hockey for their country? Maybe despair and hopelessness are in vogue right now.

Plus, with the Canadian dollar (known as 'beaver pelt' in Canada) weaker than ever*, if anything teams should be leaving Canada instead. Heck, last season only one of the Canadian teams even made it to the playoffs. They only averaged around 83 points amongst them. Could Toronto even handle a second shitty franchise? Does anyone really want to deal with Quebec at all? Time to get out of that god forsaken land, not put down more roots.

*I do not know if that is accurate, but it makes sense, doesn't it?

Let's revise this plan, shall we? One where the league is balanced. One with less smelly Canada all over it.

Kansas City gets a team!

They have been a patient bunch, plus they're right in the smack of America! That's the best way to de-Canadize the sport. Make it official, and have Canada's capital be placed there, along with their team. Kansas City, you are the proud parents of a newly adopted Senators franchise.

California is awesome! San Diego gets a team!

You know what's great? Us! Specifically, me! And I live in California! God's greatest gift to man. Vancouver is a smoking crater by the Pacific Ocean. San Diego is also by the Pacific Ocean, and isn't a crater! The San Diego Canucks!

The NHL needs to keep up with the NBA. Put a team in Oklahoma City!

That Kevin Durant guy has made the NBA look smart. A small market with a marketable player worked great! I bet the same thing could happen with P.K. Subban in OKC. Just like that, the NHL and NBA are duking it out for the United States 43rd largest market! And the Oklahoma City Canadiens rolls right off the tongue!

Actually, better make it two.

Better give them the Jets also, just to really solidify hockey in the region.

Expansion fees are expensive. Just get a relocated team, and pay less, Las Vegas!

All this talk about Las Vegas having to pay so much in expansion fees for a team is ridiculous. The city has been slammed by economic hardship, and don't even have an arena either. Just sucker Edmonton into paying for a new arena for the Oilers and not tell them their public funds are going to a project 1,500 miles away! Don't ask me if relocation fees are pricier than expansion fees. This isn't some snooty science project. This is art.

Quebec is stupid! Hartford was way cooler!

What the fuck is a 'Nordique? Do you pronounce it "Nor-DICK", or what? Then there are the Whalers. We all know what they are, and they are a respected profession as we have a high demand for whale oil and whale bone corsets. Bob Marley loved this team so much he named his band after them. Hartford can have the Flames because they're the only team I have yet to mention at this point.

As for expansion...

Toronto gets to keep their crappy Leafs AND get a second team!

Toronto is a big city with a lot of idiots. Don't believe me? They keep electing that Rob Ford guy. Case closed. They clearly love a terrible on-ice product, seeing as the Maple Leafs still sellout games with ease despite being a step above a high school hockey team. Might as well give them a lousy expansion team. Plus, it would be hilarious if that second team won a Cup before the Leafs did.

Seattle.

It just makes sense.