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More Teemu Bombshells

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Teemu Selanne wrote a book. Turns out he hates the Ducks

More like "TeBlooBlooBloo Selanne" amirite?
More like "TeBlooBlooBloo Selanne" amirite?
Robert Hanashiro-USA TODAY Sports

Yesterday, Teemu Selanne had his book come out, titled My Horrible Career. Reports are that the damn thing is over three hundred words long, so it covers a ton of stuff about the old washed up Finn. In it there are a lot of personal stories, obviously. However, in regards to the most recent season, and his last, with the Anaheim Ducks Teemu really lays into the team. Apparently Selanne was not happy with his lack of playing time, chews out Bruce Boudreau, and questions Ryan Getzlaf's leadership (looks like Dustin Brown is easily the best captain in California). He also complains about never having a great center to play with again after the Ducks dumped Andy McDonald.

Now it's easy to see over the past few years that Selanne wasn't the same guy that he was earlier in his career. You could simply say that he wasn't accepting his decline, and blamed others for not giving him more chances despite that he was not as productive as he imagined himself to be. None of that matters though because the book's best highlights are when Selanne muses over the times (yes, plural) he thought of joining the Kings.

Then there was the texting to his wife during the game seven humiliation against Los Angeles. Pretty great stuff here.

Ah, what a glorious tidbit revealed. Lucky for all of us, I got a copy of Selanne's book. And I know Finnish, so I was able to translate it. Here are some more juicy parts:

Selanne describes his happiest moment in his career (page 198):

"It was my last game. My 'team' was defeated and embarrassed. But the Los Angeles Kings' players stuck around on the ice. They cheered me. They saluted me. I finally had what I wanted most in life. The Kings liked me. That was why I wept..."

Another part of the reason as to why Selanne wanted to explore other teams in 2013 is pretty evident (page 93):

"It was photo day and they have this new kid named Devante show up. They have us lined up alphabetically, so we're right next to each other waiting near the end of the line. I politely asked if he liked rap and he went off the deep end. No idea why. Figured if this was the type of kid the Ducks were drafting I may need to reevaluate things."

He offered up his opinions on Paul Kariya (page 35):

"A lot of people figured my favorite player in the league while I played would be Paul Kariya since we played for so many years as Mighty Ducks. They are all incorrect. My favorite player who I looked up to and still idolize is Luc Robitaille. That guy was simply the best. As a hockey player, and, most importantly, as a person."

There's actually about thirty pages of things Selanne wanted to say to Boudreau, but didn't. Here's a condensed version (pages 216-242):

"That pink headed fuckwad...I wanted to ask why he resembled a dog's boner...Gravy drinking moron...Just pissed because Perry always spits and never swallows...If he had a twin, they'd look exactly like pigshitballs...You gave that whiny bald headed fuck the captaincy???...His jowls look like old man ass cheeks...Round fuck...Fat fuck...Taint colored fuck...Doughnut inhaling fuck...Looks like someone put 'Babe' in a suit...Why didn't he ever put me on the power play?"

The biggest bombshell though came at the end of his book. Teemu Selanne dropped some big hints as to the true origins of one Corey Perry (page 320):

"Marty McInnis used to have a real obsessive wanking problem. Like before each practice, game, media appearance, whenever. He used the same damn towel for years and just left it in his damn locker. Never washed it. The 2000 season starts up, the towel goes missing and all of a sudden there's this kid looking like a clump of dried semen playing in Peterborough..."