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Kings Gameday: 2015 Predictions

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One thing stays the same: Me half-assing these posts

Look at this fucking dork
Look at this fucking dork
Bill Streicher-USA TODAY Sports

First off, happy New Year ya bunch of degenerates. Here's what 2015 has in store for California, the NHL, BoC, and for you.

  • The Coyotes finally relocate!
  • The NHL introduces the Salt Lake Coyotes.
  • The winner of the Conor McDavid sweepstakes are the Florida Panthers.
  • The Panthers fold, and Connor McDavid lands with the Los Angeles Kings in the dispersal draft.
  • Stace of Base finally becomes a man to resolve all the confusion she has caused online with her out of control female presence.
  • MEGOLODON is not brought back.
  • The Kings miss the playoffs upon my request so I have a summer not spent writing about them every damn day.
  • The Sharks make it to overtime of game seven in the Western Conference Finals. During a delayed penalty Joe Thornton does a drop pass into his own empty net and San Jose loses.
  • Joe Thornton kills himself.
  • The Honda Center collapses for no discernable reason and becomes an add-on to that weird train station that no one uses across the street.
  • The Minnesota Wild are announced as recipitents of next Winter Classic.
  • The NHL finally realizes outdoor games are pretty gimmicky and decide instead to stop having them. But they offer to let the Wild play a game on New Year's Day, it just has to be inside.
  • The Islanders win the Stanley Cup after they are boosted by the trade deadline acquisition of Jaromir Jagr.
  • Gary Bettman resigns as commissioner of the NHL.
  • Chris Pronger is named commissioner of the NHL.
  • Vladimir Tarasenko becomes the highest paid player in the league despite having his goal total for the year stop at 25 in mid-January.
  • Martin Brodeur joins the New York Rangers.
  • The Ottawa Senators are forced to miss the entire 2015-2016 season due to an oversight after the league forgot about them when making the new schedule.
  • Corey Perry contracts polio.
  • Sean Avery rejoins the National Hockey League with the San Jose Sharks and is named team captain.
  • Jer's giant baby breaks loose from his cage one night and eats Jer.
  • Spade becomes the new Ducks writer.
  • Battle of California is shutdown by SB Nation.
  • Guess that's it
  • Huh?
  • Oh, I forgot about you.
  • Let's see...
  • Your significant other leaves you.
  • David Spade wins the presidential election for the Republicans.

preview 11/8

The Kings have lost two consecutive games, to THE ALBERTA TEAMS. The season is over, and Los Angeles is forced to give up one of their two Stanley Cup championships. I'm not sure which one to give up. 2012 was the first time, and you always remember your first time. However the 2014 one was way crazier. Plus it's nice to say they won the Cup by embarrassing those two other California teams.

It looks like the Kings cursed themselves by not giving me credit for the JAM/100/Load blowing line, and their production has dried up. Or maybe it's just the flu effecting Carter and Gaborik. I'll let you decide. Anywho, the Kings play Vancouver. On the road. Might as well mark it down "L" on the schedule.

Prediction: Kings actually win! Maybe. Probably not. My predictions ran out of steam.