Sharks Gameday: Doan 3:16

As you may know, Shane Doan is an extremely likable dude who has been playing for the Jets/Coyotes franchise for exactly one million years. He rivals Jonathan Quick in temper tantrums and Matt Cooke in elbows, but did you know that he does these things because Jesus Christ died for him? Right before Shane is about to concuss his next victim, he looks down at his hockey stick for inspiration, for you see, he writes his most favorite biblical verses on his sticks!

I did some investigating to see which bible verses he frequently references, and I know that something we all typically disagree with here at Battle of California is which version of the bible to reference. In order to make this fair for everyone, I've made up the Battle of California Translation (BoCT) for everyone to better understand the scripture (sorry, Kings fans, I couldn't make these into pictures for you, maybe find someone who can help you read this).

The following bible verses are the ones that Shane Doan have written on his hockey sticks:

Leviticus 24:16

Anyone who says bad stuff about God will get elbowed to death. Everyone who is a fan of God will elbow him. Mike Fisher as well as Norm MacDonald, if they diss God, they will get elbowed until they die.

Exodus 31:15

People can work 6 days if they want but if they work on Sunday they'll get elbowed to death.

Leviticus 20:27

A dude or a dudette who claims to be a psychic will get put to death. They shall be elbowed with elbows; their brain cells will diminish.

Exodus 21:28

If an ox attacks someone, the ox will get elbowed.

1 Kings 21:10

If you say "Fuck you, God!" or "God is a dickhead!" then you will be carried somewhere and elbowed until you are dead.

Deuteronomy 17:2-5

If you serve and believe another God then you will get elbowed until you die.

Letitivus 20:2

If your kid believes in the illuminati, then you, the parent, will die. Everyone will elbow you until you are bloody and dead.

Numbers 15:32-56

If you collect some sticks on a Sunday, you'll totally die. All of your friends, along with Moses, will elbow you. They will elbow you until you are good and dead, because God said so.

Gameday!

San Jose Sharks @ Arizona (Don't Call It That) Coyotes

6:00pm PST

Border Patrol Arena

CSN-CA

Prediction:

Shane Doan tries to speak in tongues, but ends up crying. Sharks win, 3-1. Goals from Tommy Wingels, Patrick Marleau, and Revolutionary War Colonel, Henry Rutgers.

Setting the Tone:

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If your eyes roll longer than 4 hours, consult a doctor.

Awful Hockey Tattoo of the Day: