I was once a happy little hockey fan in my happy little California hockey bubble. I never used to have a single thought about the Eastern Conference, let alone Eastern Conference Canadian teams, because why would I? But then I made friends with Canadians and my life changed forever.
I recall last season rooting for the Leafs against the Ducks during a game and my Canadian pal saying, "why would you do that?" and my response was "well, I hate the Ducks, they're in the division and the Sharks could pass them in the standings," my friend responded, "yeah but it's the Leafs. Fuck them."
This exchange certainly puzzled me, considering this particular Canadian is a fan of a team in the pacific division (not a good team, obviously, considering it's a Canadian team, but still) so I thought to myself, why should I care? Why me, the happy little Californian who is surrounded by beautiful people and sunshine, care about a sad damp Canadian team?
The glass shattered. That conversation opened me up to a whole world of hockey that I had happily avoided my entire hockey fandom--Oh my God, the Maple Leafs are everywhere and everyone involved with them are horribly annoying. I can't escape it. My happy little corner of the internet is now a sea of bloo bloo bloo.
They're unhappy if they're doing well. They're unhappy yet oddly happy if they're doing bad (I guess being right is something that's important to them). Their media is a god damn nightmare--"Kessel is uncoachable!" "Poor Carlyle!" "Reimer and Bernier are going to murder each other!" "I SWEAR BOZAK IS ELITE!" "FUCK BOZAK HE SUCKS MORE LIKE BOOZAK" "A jersey flew onto the ice---WILL FANS BURN DOWN STADIUM?" "JVR sneezed...IS HE GOING TO DEMAND A TRADE?" "Kessel, why are you so fat and lazy? Did that get Carlyle fired?"
super cute thing typically done is that apparently every good player and coach is going to go to the Leafs, miraculously, and they are all acquired by trading Phil Kessel (yes, even Mike Babcock). Let's look at the Leafs' projected 2015-2016 line up based on what their fans think it's going to be.
JVR - Crosby - Ovechkin
Pavelski - Domi - P. Kane
E. Kane - McDavid - J. Williams
Hall - J. Thornton - O'Reilly
Doughty - Weber
Chara - Keith
Subban - Karlsson
Scratches: Stamkos, Couture, Nugent-Hopkins
Coach: Mike Babcock
GM: Dean Lombardi
(Kind of looks like an upside Stanley Cup, which is the equivalent of an upside cross)
H/T: HFboards based Toronto fans.
San Jose Sharks vs. Toronto Maple Leafs
Sad Asshole Patrol Center
Sharks win 100-0. Leafs fans rejoice. Good players acquired by Leafs 2 minutes after game.
Setting the Tone:
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God who fucking cares
Awful Hockey Tattoo of the Day: