Sharks Gameday: SH0RKS

The San Jose Sharks have been around for a short period of time, and throughout the time they have been in existence, they've made quite a few mistakes. I don't want to bore you with the details of every mistake that they've made (frankly, I don't have that much time on my hands) so I want to take the time to examine the two biggest mistakes in their history. The stink of these disasters still linger after all these years and I cringe every time I think about them.

Teemu Selanne

Good god, what a horrible era this was. Teemu was a Shark for 176 games, which is about 176 games longer than one could ever want. He was acquired by San Jose in March of 2001, I assume because Dean Lombardi loves acquiring players who are complete trash. Typical crybaby Selanne didn't even start playing for the Sharks as soon as he got traded because his knee had loose cartilage. This should have been a sign that he was a mistake from the start. Teemu ended up leading the Sharks in scoring that year, which can attest to how awful the Sharks were at that period of time.

The biggest sign of how devastatingly bad acquiring Teemu was that the Sharks were eliminated by the Blues in the first round of the playoffs that year. Being eliminated by the St. Louis Blues is absolutely humiliating, and so was having Teemu Selanne in teal.

For whatever reason, the Sharks decided to keep Teemu around for two full seasons, and his last season with San Jose they didn't even make the playoffs--so embarrassing. For a team that prides themselves in being really good in the regular season, Teemu prevented them from even being able to do that. What a nightmare he was.

Dean Lombardi enabled Teemu's poor behavior throughout his tenure in San Jose, and it eventually burned him. Teemu wasn't satisfied with dragging down the San Jose Sharks, so he moved onto Colorado and really fucked them over. He also fucked over the career of his old Anaheim playmate, Paul Kariya, also turning him into a pissbaby, who eventually burned Colorado as well.

Teemu continued being a complete dickhead throughout his entire career, even during the last game that he played in the postseason of 2014. He wrote a book about how much he hated Anaheim and Bruce Boudreau and Ryan Getzlaf an--HEY, I guess Teemu isn't that bad. Keep on, keeping on, you crybaby fuck.

Rob Blake

Ughhhhhhhhhhh. Rob Blake is easily the worst player in San Jose history, but by God was he an evil genius. Blake signed with San Jose in the 2008 offseason, and his plan began to take place. At the time of Blake's signing, the Sharks was lead by the greatest man to ever come into existence, Patrick Marleau. Rob Blake always had a problem with Patrick Marleau, because Patty was super nice and charming and loveable and handsome like Bruce Wayne; Rob Blake was none of these things. He was a bitter old has-been, who had a shitty, meaningless career with the Los Angeles Kings. Sure, he had a good tenure with the Avalanche, but resumed his miserable existence with Los Angeles because he is a glutton for punishment.

Patty has a heart of gold. His awkward smile warmed the heart of anyone who is graced by his presence. The only thing that could ever break Patty's spirit was being around assholes who want the world to burn--that asshole in particular, Rob Blake.

San Jose's best regular season ever was the 2008-2009 season, where they won the President's Trophy and acquired their greatest accessory--the Regular Season Champions banner. They seemed to be unstoppable and as if they were going to steamroll any team they met in the playoffs to acquire the team's first Stanley Cup. Rob Blake had the team right where he wanted them. The Sharks ended up being embarrassed by the 8th seeded Anaheim Ducks in the first round.

Rob Blake's reign of terror did not end at that embarrassing playoff run. His lack of skill and heart during the playoffs caused Patrick Marleau to lose his captaincy. You see, Patrick did everything he could to nurture this old fart, but Blake was not having it. Blake tormented Patty, and eventually blamed him for his embarrassing play. Todd McLellan, who has always been known for his questionable decisions, made Rob Blake captain six weeks after Patty lost the C. There were rumors that Rob Blake was Todd McLellan's methaphamine supplier, which were only 97% confirmed as true.

Rob Blake's fascist reign as the leader of the Sharks only lasted a season, but it left a stench that has caused the Sharks to be forever unclean up to this date. When a man who was in the cast of The Love Guru, captains your team, there's really no recovering from that. Fuck you, Rob Blake.

Conclusion

Both of these assholes suck and it's fitting that Anaheim and Los Angeles would waste a bunch of time and money to salute them. Paying tribute to trash such as Teemu Selanne and Rob Blake is really quite telling and sums up the garbage culture of hockey in Southern California.

Gameday!

San Jose Sharks vs. Calgary Flames

7:00pm PST

Sad Asshole Patrol Center

CSN-CA, CBC

Prediction:

Oh yeah, I guess the Sharks play the Flames tonight. San Jose made Toronto look super dumb on Thursday and my guess is that they continue to dash the dreams of Canadian teams. I cannot place a country music curse on the Flames tonight, considering the game is in San Jose, so whatever the Flames do tonight is their fault. Sharks win, 4-2. Goals from Patrick Marleau, Tommy Wingels (2x), and Billy Zane's character from Titanic (way too lazy to google right now).

Setting the Tone:

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Most country is garbage but the alt-country songs that Wilco has put out are incredible.

Awful Hockey Tattoo of the Day:

Looking good, Floob.