Greetings from Canada, you hippie Californians.
My name is Mike Fail and I'm here to tell you why John Scott is an NHL All-Star AND the rightful heir to the throne of captaincy for the Sharks. This may come as a surprise to many of you but I truly believe that the integrity and character of a team is defined by their captain.
Historically they've had some questionable leaders and some superb ones, let's go down memory lane:
- Doug Wilson - first captain of the Sharks. Soft, agile, and his handshake didn't feature any calluses on his hands. Weak man, unable to lead. 2/10
- Bob Errey - One season he had 126 PIMs. That's about 3x more than his points total. That's a true fucking leader there. 7/10
- Jeff Odgers - Weird name, don't trust him. Probably soft Euro-trash from Russia or some country I don't understand. 1/10
- Todd Gill - Always trust a man with two first names in his name. 6.9/10
- Owen Nolan - Let's take a moment to think about how god damn amazing Nolan was. He scored the goals but he always had more PIMs. PIMs are basically leadership points. More PIMs = better. He also fought lots, scored some points, and he once called his shot against Dominik Hasek. Real leader, in fact the only true leader of these Sharks. 10/10
- Patrick Marleau - No heart, soft, and can't be called upon to motivate his team. All he does is skate around and fail. If Patrick Marleau was an ice cream flavour he would be rum and raisin. No one likes him. 2/10
- Rob Blake - Another man with two first names. He also has trophies, PIMs, and his booty ruined people. Bubba Sparxxx actually wrote the original "Ms. New Booty" about Rob Blake but at the time society was super mean to a guy appreciating another guy's butt. 6.9/10
- Joe Thornton - He once said we could see his dick if he scored four goals. Where is it, Joe? WHERE IS IT!? I'm beginning to believe your dick is a lot like the truth about 9/11: nowhere to be found. You had your captaincy TAKEN from you. What kind of leader were you? A bad one. 3.1/10
Now the Sharks are rolling four or five softies thinking they can lead a team. Some guy named Pickles spends most of his free time rolling around on the floor with dogs and smiling awkwardly. Can't trust him because he looks empty inside that skull of his.
No. You must trust the only man to ever murder people on the ice. You must pick John Scott.
"But Mike, you're wrong! He's bad at hockey and you're fucking dumb."
Shut up for a second and think about it. The guy scored a goal this season, then it was put on a t-shirt, he wore the t-shirt, and then that picture of him in the t-shirt was turned into another t-shirt! That's impressive. John Scott's existence is one shrouded in mystery. Many think he was simply found in a field and raised by Doreen and Gary Scott but it's much more astonishing than that.
John Scott was forged in a laboratory at Michigan Tech where he played his college hockey. His creator once said "I've never been more afraid of myself in my life. I'm now responsible for crimes against humanity. Oh lord, forgive me for the truculence I am bestowing unto professional sport."
When he wasn't eating stray animals and bordering on homicidal tendencies, he skated around the ice, punching foes, and thwarting scoring chances. His coach at the time, Bob Newbower once said on John's skills:
One time I saw John, skate off the bench, point to an opponent's family in the stands and threaten to eat faces. When the player told him to "fuck off", John then jumped him and suplexed him through the boards. I've never yelled 'WORLDSTAR!" louder before.
John didn't get drafted though. Teams were too afraid of his offensive talent and ability to basically become the Undertaker but on skates. He would eventually be signed by the Houston Aeros where he started a line brawl by turning the game into a tables and chairs wrestling match.
After defeating Nolan Yonkman for the AHL's worst hockey player belt, he set his sights on the NHL. He made his NHL debut in 2008-09 with the forever indoors Minnesota Wild. During that time he worked on poetry and art while bodyslamming and murdering his opponents.
He released his first collection of poems: "Sex Cauldron 69", though it was not a success in North America, the people of Bulgaria loved it. He was given a key to every city in Bulgaria for it.
Time went by and he eventually gained notoriety for nearly killing Philip J. Kessel of the Toronto Maple Leafs.
Which brings us to this season. He eventually found his way to being signed in the off-season by the Sharks. Eyebrows were raised, but at the heart of it all was Doug Wilson trying to make up for being bad. The move payed off as John Scott scored a beautiful goal on October 14th cementing his legacy as the greatest San Jose Shark ever.
So now it begs the question: Why give John Scott the 'C'?
Here is why:
- Doesn't believe in analytics (he can't count I think)
- Murdered division and California rival's Tim Jackman
- Tried to kill Phil Kessel once
- Things nerds like James Mirtle can't quantify
- His dick is probably bigger than Thornton's
- Likes cats
All are super valid reasons. Pick John Scott. Pick the man who can lead the Sharks into the new era.
I love you, #CaptainJohnScott.
Mike Fail is a bad hockey writer for SBNation's Calgary Flames site: Matchsticks and Gasoline. When he isn't writing about the Corsis and the fancy sharts. He also founded the groundbreaking Pizza Analytics which you can read about here.