Odes to Kevin Kurz

Our first limerick submitted by the wonderful vegan @fruitsareedible:

There once was a reporter named Kevin Kurz.
Oh my god he was the absolute worst.
He loved John Scott.
And Mike Brown a lot.
But overall Raffi Torres is in first.

Another limerick, this one submitted by @McintoshBart:

There once was a man named Kurz, Kevin
Who thought watching Mike Brown play was heaven,
Same with John Scott
(But Marleau was not)
Who cares if we lose by eleven?

And now, an adaptation on Chingy's masterpiece, "Right Thurr" submitted by our very own Stace:

I like the way you do that
Right Kurzz (Right Kurzz)
Switch your quotes while you're workin
Make a stir (Make a stir)

Another song adaptation, this one a rip on the song "Mandy" by Barry Manillow. This one is another from @fruitsareedible:

Oh Kurzy,
Well you came and you wrote without thinking,
But then you blocked me,
Oh Kurzy,
You don't like it when we say your stinking,
Awful writing is peepee,
Oh Kurzy!

A haiku by @NHLFlyera:

Read a Kurz column
Melted my fucking ice cream
Fucking starving now

@NHLFlyera was gracious enough to give me two poems, this one is named, "I, Too Sing Hot Takes":

I, Too Sing Hot Takes
I am the hotter takist
They send me to write in the oven
When bloggers come,
But I laugh,
And praise truculence
And publish takes

And now, a truly great remake of "The Raven" by @tramL116 that he has named: "The Takist":

Once upon a midnight weary, while I tweeted weak and weary,
After the Sharks had somehow blown a three to nothing lead-
While I prepped for summer vacation, suddenly a notification,
As of someone gently whining, whining on my Twitter feed.
"Tis just Kevin Kurz," I muttered, "whining on my Twitter feed,"-
He searched his name, and came to plead.

The poem I made, which now seems very inferior:

Oh insider Kevin Kurz, what insight do you have today?
Is it that Joe Thornton's soft, or that Mike Brown ought to play?
Will you tell us of your time in Philly, where that goon Pronger did roam?
Or will you tell us now that California is your only home?
Will the team be better with the kids, to take the ice, and fill the bottom lines?
"No," you say, defiantly, "John Scott will be just fine,"
When grit and heart are low, you know what can pick up the slack,
"Just wait till Torres gets here, then the toughness will come back!"
And while others might decry you, and say you're quite a putz,
I just sit here on Twitter, saying "YOU CAN SUCK ON BOFA DEEZ NUTZ!"

And finally, a short rhyme that my father gave me:

Kevin Kurz should change his last name to Klutz
Because it rhymes with BOFA DEEZE NUTZ!

Thanks Dad.

This FanPost was posted by a fan, and it probably sucks and is dumb.

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