The Ballad of Steve Bernier

Gary A. Vasquez-USA TODAY Sports

The hit heard around the world. The hit that changed hockey forever, ushering in one of the most unlikeable stanley cup champions, which includes shitbag Drew Doughty Drood Outie, Flyers reject Mike Richards, Blue Jackets reject Jeff Carter, Oilers rejects Jarred Stoll and Matt Greene future Guardians of the Galaxy star Anze Kopitar, "The American Chris Osgood" Jonathan Quick and noted penisloaf Dustin Penner.

Oh yeah and Dustin Brown a sentient turd golem was their team captain.

Steve Bernier's career up until that hit was pretty meaningless. He was taken before insane person Zach Parise (seriously, who in their right mind would want to sign a 13 year contract to play in Minnesota) by the San Jose Sharks. He was going to be the next Jonathan Cheechoo in the sense that he'd score 50 goals playing on Joe Thornton's wing one time. Then he got traded to Buffalo for a guy who'd only be with the Shorks for three months. Then he'd get traded from Buffalo to Vancouver because Buffalo thought he was terrible (lol), where he was expected to become the next Todd Bertuzzi. Unfortunately he wasn't enough of a violent neanderthal and he also couldn't score, so he got traded to Florida, who didn't bother qualifying him because he sucked. Which lead him to New Jersey, where he worked his way up into the lineup from the minors and earned the respect of head coach Peter DeBoer.

Then to cap off a memorable run to the Stanley Cup finals, Bernier ended up boarding Rob Scuderi in game six of the finals, leading to a boarding major. The Kings scored 3 goals on the ensuing powerplay and the Kings won their first stanley cup (which has been forever tainted by Brown's shit stained hands).

After that the redemption tour for Bernier began. What did help was that the Devils organization liked him enough to give him a contract instead of not re-signing him and instead forcing him to work his way back into the NHL. Luckily it paid off as he proved that he still has some game left in him with 8 goals in a lockout shortened season. Then he had a pretty awful 2013-14 season where he played like complete crap. But since he tried his hardest he got moved up in the lineup over superior players such as Literally Anybody Else.

Then the Devils gave him one more shot because well, uh... I don't know. Instead of heading over to Russia to play with BFF Ilya Kovalchuk, he got another 1 year deal to "resurrect his career" according to Lou Lamoriello. Except he had to start the year in the minors because he couldn't beat out Jordin Tootoo for a roster spot (lol). Then thanks to all the Devils getting hurt because they're incredibly old, Bernier got one more shot- and he's managed not to suck.

Then came the game heard all around the world. The injury depleted Devils headed to Los Angeles, a game everyone expected the Kings to win because the Devils are a literal tire fire. Scott Gomez was the Devils 1st line center. They were missing their best player, the 420 year old Jaromir Jagr. Their best goal scorer was playing out of position centering Dainius Zubrus and a Michael Ryder cosplayer. Their defense was so depleted that Leafs and Oilers reject Mark Fraser and LA Kings legend Peter Harrold were actually playing significant minutes. Oh and don't forget Tim "0 goals in 100 games" Sestito, who somehow is a worse hockey player than his brother Tom. And they have 100 head coaches. So yeah their roster kind of sucks and there's no chance in hell that the Devils would be able to beat the defending champs.

So naturally Steve Bernier had the game of his life where he scored two goals, which ended up being the difference for the Devils in a 5-3 win. Since getting humiliated by Steve Bernier, the Kings have yet to win a game. The Kings are now a shell of themselves. Once strong champions who could destroy anything and anyone in their path, the Kings now can't win a game if their life depended on it.

The good news is that Jonathan Quick won't have the same nightmares that Martin Jones is having where Steve Bernier is owning him. The bad news is that their good goalie has been scarred for life and Jonathan Quick sucks. And Bernier being inside their heads is making everything worse. Anze Kopitar hates Marian Gaborik because of how he plays a soft perimeter game instead of crashing the net like a good Quebec City boy. Jeff Carter's complete inability to execute Bernier's signature "jam the puck into the goalie's pads and hope it goes in" move is starting to reduce his effectiveness as a goal scorer. After getting manhandled by Bernier, Drew Doughty has started taking creatine to get strong enough to handle him- which hasn't caused problems for him but has caused massive problems in the locker room with all those creatine farts. Dwight King wants to be called "Dwight Bernier" because he wants to be associated with greatness. Mike Richards has requested that the Kings hire Peter DeBoer to help him resurrect his career. The only person who hasn't been affected is Dustin Brown, mainly because he's been too busy wondering if Michael Bay's Benghazi movie will uncover the truth about Benghazi to worry about Steve Bernier.

He's never going to undo the fact that he handed the Kings a cup but Bernier managed to get some measure of revenge on them. The Kings will never be the same. And lets be honest how hilarious would it be if the Kings end up missing the playoffs this year because they got owned by the guy who handed them their first stanley cup on a silver platter? Because that would quite possibly be the funniest thing ever.

Okay well maybe not as funny as Dustin Brown's contract.

This FanPost was posted by a fan, and it probably sucks and is dumb.

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