Happy New Year, everyone! By now I assume that most of you have already given up on your exercising and dieting resolutions, just like I have, and are back to watching television and eating junk food, like I am. The past couple days have consisted of going to work and then coming home and watching Friends for eight hours straight because the whole series finally hit Netflix! Granted, I have the whole series on DVD, but who has the time to get up, pick out a disc, and place it in their PS3? Not me. I love Friends, but I love convenience even more, so Netflix wins, always.
I guess I have to somehow tie Friends and hockey together, so let's chat for a bit so I can go back to watching Friends. That retired friend of the blog, Meg, gave me inspiration for this idea, so God bless her. Let's compare the cast members of friends to the California hockey teams!
[Note: if you haven't seen Friends, I'm about to ruin the show for you if you continue reading]
This perfectly describes the playoff history of the San Jose Sharks.
The San Jose Sharks are Ross. This pains me to say it, because Ross is basically the worst character in all of television, but it's true. Ross' relationship history has always been grim; it starts out promising but he always ends up getting divorced. This can be compared to the Sharks' inability to have a successful playoff run.
Ross' first marriage to Susan can be compared to the Sharks' playoff run in 2004, where they were ousted by Calgary in the third round. It seemed like this was going to stick--the Sharks, with ease, beat the St. Louis Blues in 5 and in the next round, they beat the Colorado Avalanche in 6. It felt like this was it, but alas...*sunglasses* the flame burned out. A new hot little playoff bubble team came along and broke the heart of the Sharks. The confidence of the Sharks and Ross were shattered, which ultimately caused a lockout and Ross to have a pet monkey. Dark times.
Ross' second marriage to Emily is obviously going to be compared to the most recent playoff failure against the Los Angeles Kings. Ross saying Rachel's name at the altar is the blowing a 3-0 lead of situational comedy. What came after Ross' fuck up at the altar was a string of pathetic attempts to try and win Emily back and save what was left of the wreckage. Will he move to London? Will she move to New York? Will he stay friends with Rachel? Will Emily ever stop being the worst? These questions all fall in line with Doug Wilson not understanding the definition of a rebuild and the other incredibly idiotic things that were done in the offseason.
Ross' third marriage to Rachel was a quick and beautiful disaster. This is comparable to the failure against the Anaheim Ducks in 2009. Everybody wants Ross and Rachel to be together, even though Ross is awful. Ross blew it before with Rachel, twice as a matter, of fact. The season leading up to the marriage of Ross and Rachel was my favorite season, the storylines were strong and the jokes were great. The season ended with them getting married while drunk in Vegas. Everything is WONDERFUL! But then Ross is Ross and Rachel wakes up and realizes she made a horrible mistake. She wants an annulment, he lies and stays married to her, she finds out, divorce. What a goddamn loser.
The Los Angeles Kings are Joey because they don't deserve any good things that come their way. It was cute (not really in the Kings side of the comparison) at first but after a few years it is just annoying and repetitive. He continuously makes poor decisions but never gets in trouble for them. The Kings have even gotten a spin-off show (NHL Revealed) and it was terrible.
Chandler is the leading cause of me wanting to smoke a cigarette.
Chandler is better than any hockey team that has ever been in existence and does not deserve to be compared to those violent jerks in the National Hockey League.
The Anaheim Ducks are obviously Gunther. There is no point to them. They are creepy and weird and always in the shadows. Everyone seems to forget they exist until they see their brightly colored jerseys (or in Gunther's case, hair) in the background. He was brought in and no one ever thought that he would pan out but he just stuck around because they were too lazy to replace him with a better character. Never destined to be a star, only destined to piss people off.
San Jose Sharks vs. St. Louis Blues
Sad Asshole Patrol Center
The Sharks ended the year dismantling the Anaheim Ducks and it was delicious. They shall continue taking down the jerk teams tonight. Sharks win, 4-2. Goals from Chander Bing (x4).
Setting the Tone:
<iframe width="420" height="315" src="//www.youtube.com/embed/OJi6gDzqi20?rel=0" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>
Awful Hockey Tattoo of the Day:
In hindsight, this wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't diseased by the St. Louis Blues.