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Kings Gameday: Cheaters

New, 5 comments

More like Super Balls Sunday

So stabby
So stabby
Michael Buckner/Getty Images

New England is home to the worst, most deplorable, unsportsmanlike cheating cheaters to ever cheat. If you have been living under a rock, the New England Patriots have been busted for messing with their balls illegally. Balls were found shriveled and wrinkled, only half full. This isn't the first time the New Englanders have been caught breaking the rules, as they got exposed for videotaping other teams playing with their own balls. Also, one of their tight ends is a murderer (not like that's stopped someone in the NFL before).

And the Boston area is known far and wide for being a bunch of cheaters. For god's sake they cheat the English language by dragging out vowels to unbearable degrees, specifically ones that involve the letter 'A'. Instead of "balls", they pronounce it "BAAAWHLS". And Good Will Hunting? That somehow cheated Boogie Nights out of best screenplay, and then launched a couple of oversized balls into our faces with Matt Damon and Ben Affleck.

The Boston Red Sox were profound cheaters too! David Ortiz and Manny Ramirez have been taking so much Human Growth Hormone they've developed three extra sets of balls. That much extra testosterone is enough to make anyone into a superhuman.Their bats appeared to be bigger and more powerful with all that extra strength. That's not fair and completely unnatural to other guys with completely normal sized bats.

Then there are the Boston Bruins. Their cheating was the worst of the bunch. They did the most unspeakable of actions. They made me cheer for them. How could they do such a terrible, unthinkable atrocity of gaining support? By making their opponents even more unlikable, which is a feat long thought impossible. Yet Boston found a way. The Bruins cheated their way into our hearts by coming up with the worst bunch of villains known in hockey with the Vancouver Canucks. An opponent with well documented diving and flopping. A rival player who was not only a rat type of player, but also bit like a rat. A clever move, which distracted away from the fact that Brad Marchand is actually half rat himself. The cheating reached artistic levels when the Bruins somehow had their douche bag, self centered Tea Party dog turd goalie come across as the good guy against a goalie who actually wasn't a douche bag, self centered dog turd. I don't know if I can ever forgive a team for cheating me like that. Maybe. Ryan Kesler is a total piss stain after all.

Oh. And balls.

bruins preview

The Kings won a game! A one goal game! Everything is perfect again. Except that Los Angeles is still sitting out of the playoffs at the moment, and Mike Richards Watch is closing in on a week of him still being a King. I imagine Jeff Carter and Richards start coming up with a bunch of crazy plans to keep Richards from getting traded to another team. Like he gets ran over by a Zamboni, or he gets confused where the Kings' minor league affiliate is moving to and misses his plane. Obviously none of the plans include Richards getting good enough at hockey again where the Kings want to keep him. They can't work miracles.

Prediction: The Boston Bruins make the ice a little warmer and wear duller blades to get better traction. The Kings lose 3-0, and half the roster breaks their legs.