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Sharks Gameday: Indoor Game Hosted by the Minnesota Wild

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Because that joke does not get old.

Tommy Wingels trying to save Alex Stalock from getting trapped in Minnesota again
Tommy Wingels trying to save Alex Stalock from getting trapped in Minnesota again
Kyle Terada-USA TODAY Sports

At the beginning of the season, I made a not-so-bold prediction that the Minnesota Wild would not be making the playoffs. This angered a lot of Minnesotans because indoor hockey is really the only thing that gives them hope. You see, half of them have lost their appendages to gangrene and the other half of them have trench foot. I was insensitive to make a prediction that was so completely obvious.

Minnesotans have a hard time facing reality (mostly because they are frozen and cannot move) and I should have been more sensitive to their desire to remain aloof baffoons. It's always hard to hear the truth about something you love, especially if that something has been around 15 years and all they've really done is brought you discomfort.

It's just that the problem lies within the claim that Minnesota is the State Of Hockey. If this was a true statement at all, wouldn't Minnesotans have a better grasp of reality and understand that their team is not good and this is another wasted season? If Minnesotans had such a vast hockey knowledge, wouldn't they be able to see that the ghost of Jacques Lemaire still floats around their indoor hockey arena, plaguing them to be boring for all eternity? If this is the truly the State of Hockey, couldn't they understand that just because a team is good for the first couple weeks of the season, doesn't mean it's going to be sustainable? No? Is this thing on?

Anyway, tonight is the 38th game of the season for the Minnesota Wild and they currently sit seven points out of a playoff spot, as nature and God intended. They have a few games in hand but what does that really matter? Just put them out of their misery already. Sure, those extra games could help them inch closer to a playoff spot, but we all know how this is going to end for those chaps who were banished to this frozen tundra.

As spring inches closer, the players' legs will begin to unfreeze and they will look like they can actually play hockey again. They'll gain some points in the standings, probably pass the 2014-2015 Stanley Cup Champion Dallas Stars along the way, and things will be looking up. Minnesota will be fighting with Winnipeg and Calgary for that final 8th seed spot, but it does not matter because history repeats itself in places like this.

This cold desolate place holds back their residents from achieving any type of greatness. To compare for you Californians, lets take a peek at Central California. Has anything good ever come out of Central California? How many times have we seen residents of Central California stay trapped in their sad small towns, only to waste their lives away? Now take away the central coast, make the temperature drop 70 degrees and it's Minnesota. Don't you feel bad? Don't you wish there was something you could do for these sad souls?

Me neither. Minnesotans are bad and should feel bad. Those money hungry hockey players employed by the Minnesota Wild deserve exactly what is coming to them. Zach Parise and Ryan Suter thought that large contracts would satisfy their needs, but at the end of the day, they still have to live in Minnesota. Sure, they can afford to have the nicest log cabins around, but who would want to visit them? What a lonely life to live.

People always say that money doesn't buy you happiness, and if you ever need to find reasoning for that statement, talk to any member of that Minnesota roster.

So this is my plea, Hockey Gods that I do not believe in---put this team out of its misery. It'll forever live in the shadows of the dead and missed Minnesota North Stars. Put this team down and free the spirit of the only hockey team that was from Minnesota that has ever been tolerated. The memory of the North Stars live in vain and until the burden called the Minnesota Wild is gone, our beloved league will be forever tainted.



San Jose Sharks @ Minnesota Wild

5:00pm PST

Indoors, as usual

NBCSN (why?)


The Sharks won a preeeeeetty prettty pretty pretty good hockey game last night. The Wild lost 7-1 to Dallas on Saturday. lololol. I miss Joe Thornton. Sharks win, 2-0. Goals from Bufford Jameson and Seamus Heaney.

Setting the Tone:

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Awful Hockey Tattoo of the Day: