Ryan Kesler. Kevin Bieksa. Cory Perry. Ryan Getzlaf. It's a frat party from Omega Detritus, and they've oozed into town this weekend to trash our mid-priced hotel and scream at the employees. What do you do when a bunch of garbage appears? You grab a trash bag. "But shampeon!," I hear you saying. "Which brand of trash bag would best contain this level of filth?" Well, put a smile on your face, Maryann, because the answer is Glad, the best goddamn trash bag in the world1.
Don't believe me? Hey, Patrick Marleau, smile like a dingus if you think Glad trash bags are, like you, the best.
Now, some of you may dispute my detailed and scientific analysis of Glad's bestness. So I did some extensive research2 and found this compelling image:
This woman is overjoyed to be using Glad ForceFlex OdorShield Hawaiian Aloha Scent (??) Tall Kitchen trash bags, and also apparently enjoys locking her elbows when performing lifting tasks. I have no idea what "Hawaiian Aloha" is supposed to smell like, but it must be pretty fantastic, judging by her rictus grin. It makes her happy, and it's right there in the motherfucking brand name: Glad.
Do you want to pay an abnormally large fine, or pay a surprisingly high price for something? No? Good, because those are dumb things to want to do. Those are also situations where you might use the word "hefty." Do you want to use dumbass Hefty brand trash bags? No? Good, because it's just as stupid. This is simple logic. People that buy Hefty bags also probably cry during American truck commercials. Don't be a moron, get Glad.
1I mean, I didn't travel the world looking for different brands of trash bags or anything, but do you honestly think shitholes like Belarus or North Korea or Missouri have anything better than Glad ForceFlex Tall Kitchen Bags?
2A brief Google image search.
The Sharks haven't fucked up yet!
Hey, they looked really, really good against the Kings, in Staples. Logan Couture, the Drakkar Noir of Sharks forwards, had a fantastic game despite/because he was repeatedly hit in the head. The 20 seconds where he freight trained Milan Lucic after stepping out the box, then laughed at him as Lucic (surpise!) couldn't handle being on the receiving end of a big hit was sublime.
The Sharks, for the first time in years, had 4 strong lines and 3 good defensive pairings, and Kevin Spacey's new coaching system emphasizing fast north-south play and aggressive forechecking seems to suit the team very well. Martin Jones wasn't tested much, but looked sharp on the few good scoring chances the Kings had. The Ducks are going to be another test, as they have more depth up front than the Kings, and for whatever reason are a fashionable pick among some hockey writers to win the Cup.
Ducks @ Sharks
7:30 PM Pacific
Prediction: Bieksa secretly replaces all the stanchions before the game, Cory Perry fills Hefty bag after Hefty bag with a yellowish secretion before running Jones, Getzlaf leaves his hotel room pooled with an inch of standing stale Natty Ice, Kesler halfheartedly hits on your mom.