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Sharks Gameday: 5 terrible sexy shark costumes

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I scour the internet for the worst sexy shark costumes. Or, as they are also known, sexy shark costumes.

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Surprise!
Surprise!

A note about this article: the whole "sexy X costume" is beyond stupid, and we're so far down the rabbit hole of this dumb shit that we have Sexy Donald Trump and Sexy Pizza Rat and Sexy Rosie the Riveter costumes for sale that some asshole is going to buy and wear, ironically or not. So it goes.

And let me be clear, these costumes are depressing. At least to me. Like, everything about them. I imagine the nameless factories in China where they are made, and the pop-up costume stores in abandoned Blockbuster Video buildings where they are sold, and the kind of person that needs to purchase off-the-shelf wit, and I grimace. Going through the Google image search results for this was not boner producing. It made me feel disconnected from humanity and life in a way that actual sexiness does not. See also the idea of a sexy bee, per Paul F. Tompkins. It's also worth noting the fact that the vast majority of these costumes were made for women to wear, so tough shit if your particular kink is hot guys wearing skimpy polyester shark-related things.

I will rate the costumes on a 1-5 Logan Couture scale of skeeziness. 1 Logan Couture being the lowest (he idly looks up from his phone) and 5 Logan Coutures being the highest (he's licking his teeth with his eyes locked on you).

Some Shark/Elf hybrid thing

SharkElf sexy costume

Sharks don't usually wear tasseled hats

This one is bad because it barely makes an attempt at being a shark. It's a mini dress with gloves and a Shark elf hat, with two long puff ball tassels. Maybe the bottom of the dress is supposed to be bitten off, but that would be the shark's midsection, so it maybe was eaten by a larger shark? I dunno.  If you lose the hat (and you will lose the hat, for sure, after your 3rd Flirtini), people think you're some off-brand comic book heroine.

Skeeziness

Logan Couture's head
Logan Couture's head
Logan Couture's head
Logan Couture's head

Logan immediately noticed the mini dress, and is moving closer to play with the tassels. Run!

Muscle shirt shark victim

Muscle shirt shark victim costume

Do you even lift, bro?

The picture is the best thing about this costume. A rather small nurse shark got ambitious and is consuming former Dodger Eric Karros, who is wearing leather sandals for some reason. Eric Karros has been working out, but not tanning except for his face, hands, and feet.

Skeeziness

Logan Couture's head
Logan Couture's head

The muscles are obviously fake, and nobody gets laid wearing leather sandals like that.

Confused shark dress

Confused shark dress costume

Yup, that shark eye is a nipple

You have to give high marks to the designer, who decided, "Yup, I'm going to do this. I'm going to make one tit a shark nose and the other an eye. I'm also going to get really visceral and realistic with the blood in the mouth." The overall effect is only sexy in that it is a tight mini dress. The actual look of the shark is more, "having a particularly bad time during oral surgery."

Skeeziness

Logan Couture's head
Logan Couture's head
Logan Couture's head

Logan likes this one because he has an excuse to stare at your left nipple, though the bloody mouth is distracting.

Boner shark

Boner shark costume

The Great White Boner Attack

This one made me actually laugh. The sleepy-eyed shark is consuming this doofus, or maybe they're having coitus, or maybe he's incredibly surprised by his cartoonishly large boner he's hidden with a foam shark.Demerits for not even bothering with the tail, but a plus for not making him wear leather sandals.

Skeeziness

Logan Couture's head
Logan Couture's head
Logan Couture's head
Logan Couture's head
Logan Couture's head

Pure sex, right here. The giant boner, the suggestion of the act of love. Logan's locked onto your eyes and making weird noises in his throat.

Copyright infringement/genital horror

what the fuck costume

I...what...it's...what?

Wow. This one will take some time to unpack. There's a lot going on here. Both Jaws and The Little Mermaid are being ripped off, so it's amazing this is being sold at all. But the the real star here is the horror at female genitalia. I'm going to go out on a limb and say that the designer has some issues with women. Yikes.

Skeeziness

Logan Couture's head
Logan Couture's head
Logan Couture's head
Logan Couture's head

Logan's into it.

Sharks vs. Capitals

Hey Sharks, meet your east coast doppelgangers! They swapped out one funny looking coach for another, just like you! We did poach Joel Ward from the Capitals, which so far has been working out just fine, thanks. The Capitals also get overshadowed by some of their division rivals, despite always having a pretty competitive team.

Sharks @ Capitals
4:30 PM Pacific

Prediction: Ovechkin owns but gets criticized for one poor backcheck, Backstrum surprises you with his play, even though he's been in the league forever and is really good, and Barry Trotz attempts to steal the secret of fire from Brent Burns.