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Kings Gameday: Her?

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Hey look an "Arrested Development" joke

Only using this picture because what are the odds
Only using this picture because what are the odds
Jim McIsaac/Getty Images

The Carolina Hurricanes. More like the Her?icanes. You see this is funny because they are forgettable. Don't believe me? Quick, which team were we talking about again?

No idea, right? I know I forgot. Seriously, who the fuck are the Kings playing?

Carolina? What? Hurricanes? That seems insensitive.

Now I personally don't care about this team. I forget they exist, don't recognize anyone off their roster, and am unsure which Carolina they are a part of. Lucky for me, @WhalersBlogMan over at twitter fucking hates this team. He was incredibly gracious and decided to share some words regarding the Carolina Weather Events. Things are pretty dark in Hartford, and if this doesn't inspire you to hate this regionally named team then I don't know what will.

The Carolina Hurricanes are the most useless team in this league, and that’s saying something. They won a Stanley Cup once, but then the Anaheim Ducks won it the following year, thereby tainting the meaning of the trophy forever.

Their entire playoff history is:

  • Lose in the first round (1999, 2001)
  • Sneak past two better teams in 7 games just to be swept in the conference final by the last good Penguins team (2009)
  • Thankfully prevent the Toronto Maple Leafs from getting to the Cup Final, but then run out of gas themselves against a stacked Red Wings roster (2002).
  • Took away everyone’s post-lockout enthusiasm by winning the Stanley Cup because the Buffalo Sabres and Edmonton Oilers were too injured to bother (the joke here is that the Oilers were once relevant to someone winning a Stanley Cup).

Their current roster looks impressive on the surface, with McGinn, Nash, Rask, Staal, Staal, Ward, and even an M. Jordan, but once you realize their first names aren’t Jamie, Rick, Tuukka, Marc, Marc, Joel, and Michal, it’s not quite as magnificent. They truly are the off-brand of NHL teams.

But more importantly about the Carolina Hurricanes, is that they once were the Hartford Whalers. Yes, the blue and green logo with a W and a whale tail on snapbacks belonged to an actual sports team, and is not just a rejected Vineyard Vines rebrand. I used to love watching the Whalers, with my lovely wife and our young sons. It was the only activity we had during the cold, Connecticut winter.

My relationship with my wife ended very similar to my relationship with the Whalers: A very rich man took them and moved them to a new, fancy home in the Carolinas. The only difference is that I am still paying child support for my now large adult sons. It really cuts into my budget of Lean Cuisines, Mountain Dew Code Red, and porn set to the tune of Brass Bonanza.

Prediction: Like me, no one scores for 19 years

Go follow this man now.

whalers preview

I drew a cute whale I think. Which makes its violent, horrific death at the hands of half drunk, angry New Englanders all the more tragic.

Prediction: Wait there was already a prediction. Shit. Never mind.