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Sharks Gameday: D.A.R.E. to be Staal Free

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We need an intervention program for Carolina's dangerous Staal addiction more than we need to an intervention program for all the drug-addled kindergartners in our schools.

Paid for by A Partnership for a Staal-Free NHL
Paid for by A Partnership for a Staal-Free NHL

So my oldest kid is in kindergarten now, and this last week was "Red Ribbon Week", which is part of the D.A.R.E. program a lot of you probably went through when you were in school. I was sort of shocked that we as a society are still doing D.A.R.E. The generations that have gone through D.A.R.E. programs over the last 30+ years are the ones most likely to have used recreational drugs, and, for example, are the ones supporting legalization efforts for marijuana. Well done, D.A.R.E.!

Here's the schedule of things you're supposed to have your kid do, all capitalization and font effects sic:

  • Monday, Paint the Town Red: Wear as much RED as possible
  • Tuesday, Too Cool to do Drugs: Wear sunglasses
  • Wednesday, Team up Against Drugs: Wear favorite team shirt
  • Thursday, Use Your Head, Don't do Drugs: Crazy Hair day
  • Friday, Wake up Drug Free: Wear pajamas to school

Adults are paid money to think this shit up. It's embarrassing. However, maybe the Carolina Hurricanes could use my expertise in coming up with a program to keep them Staal-free. Here's my proposed schedule:

  • Monday, Paint the Town Red: Find a building and paint "NO STAALS!" as RED as possible all over it
  • Tuesday, Too Tall to Have Staals: Wear stilts
  • Wednesday, Team up Against Staals: Everyone else on the team beats up a Staal
  • Thursday, Use Your Head, Don't play Staals: Crazy Hair day
  • Friday, Wake up Staal Free: Hire someone on the Deep Web to "take care" of your Staal problem

DARE Staals

I double Staal dare you

And, of course, the Staal Free Pledge:

I pledge allegiance to myself and who I want to be,
'Cause I can make my dreams come true, if I believe in me.
I pledge to stay in Raleigh and learn the things I need to know,
To make the world a better place for teams like ours to grow.
I pledge to keep my dreams alive and be all I can be.
I know I can, and that's because,
I pledge to stay......
STAAL FREE!

Hurricanes @ Sharks
7:30 Pacific

Prediction: Staal use continues unabated in Carolina. By overstating the danger of Staals in a zero-tolerance Staal policy, people who have gone through the program and experimented with Staals are much more likely to ignore the actual dangers of Staal use.

Here's something good from North Carolina, with Jon Wurster on drums: