clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile

Filed under:

Kings Gameday: Fulfill your Dustiny

New, 27 comments

It is time again

lol fuck you
lol fuck you
Gary A. Vasquez-USA TODAY Sports

Dustin Brown is a guy you like on your team and hate if he's not. He's not actually a bad guy, a rarity in today's world of athletes, and he seems to be rather down to earth. However, Brown's style of play is rough, and he throws a lot of hits. A few of which have been borderline. Because of this he has been targeted a lot by opposing players.

Most recently, Logan Couture attempted to bite his head off. Michal Rozsival had a late, leg to leg hit. Jason Pominville drove his face into poor Dustin's elbow. But the most dangerous play of Brown's career came when noted thug and disciple of Raffi Torres, Tomas Hertl, had a vicious attempt at Brown's knee. Dustin survived and in the process, turned things around on the disgraceful Hertl by having his knee completely collapse like it was the Sharks in late Spring. Hertl missed the next few months, and the National Hockey League breathed a little easier.

Now there is another showboating youngster out trying to get all the attention no matter the cost. The Edmonton Oilers, a team that prides itself on churning out attention seeking dirt bags have the next biggest goon. Connor McDavid. All last year you couldn't not hear about him and the damage he was capable of. Fans were riveted with simply knowing where he may go. Then when the draft came and the Oilers picked him up, McDavid was already insufferable and ruining the sport we all know and love.

Edmonton fans wouldn't shut up about him. They became even more detestable. McDavid had yet to do anything even. And after showboating in a few games he already has convinced morons on comparing him to Wayne Gretzky. It's an egomaniacal teenager on the loose impressing himself onto a fan-base of northern hillbillies. It's a wretched combination that we all cannot wait to stop.

Fortunately that's where Dustin Brown comes in.

Our brave American hero and beloved leader has stopped self-centered reckless young punks before, and now he knows his time has arrived again. Except McDavid is no pushover. He's been groomed to steal spotlights and is used to getting jerked off by all who watch him. Dustin knows what is at risk. Edmonton will rise up as one meth riddled frozen toothless homeless person to seek revenge. They will hoot and holler and demand his head, but Dustin has to fulfill his destiny and stop this pain in the ass kid so we can stop having to pretend like we really give a shit about the Oilers.

Who knows what will happen? Will McDavid slash at Brown only to break both his wrists because Brown is in the best shape of his life and it will be like hacking against steel? Will McDavid try to line up Dustin for a head shot only to eviscerate himself out his anus because of a single icy look from Dustin? Will McDavid burst into flames because his evil presence cannot withstand the holy aura surrounding Dustin? Whatever dastardly tricks McDavid has lined up, Dustin Brown will prevail because good always triumphs. And I am really fucking sick of hearing about this kid.

Do it for us, Dustin. Do it for all of us outside of Alberta. Actually, Calgary would probably appreciate it too.

oilers preview

Prediction: Brown goes to check McDavid and the Mounties arrest him.