Are you looking for a fine California wine product that delivers high alcohol, lots of bonus sugar, and a trip directly to a dirty alleyway? Well, look no further than Thunderbird, your bum wine champion. That's right, motherfuckers. Thunderbird, like the San Jose Sharks, is back after some tough times, ready to reclaim the regular season crown.
What's the word? Thunderbird!
How's it sold? Good and cold!
What's the jive? 'Birds alive!
What's the price? Thirty twice!
Legend has it that the fine salesmen at Ernest and Julio Gallo would prime the pump for their excellent product by scattering empty Thunderbird bottles in the gutters, a tactic that Doug Wilson used with great success the last few years when he acquired and discarded the empty shells of Brad Stuart, Scott Hannan, Adam Burish, and John Scott.
Thunderbird, like the Sharks, has a sweet element (Patrick Marleau, Tomas Hertl), a fortified element (Marc-Edouard Vlasic, Martin Jones, Joel Ward), and a terrible aftertaste (Raffi Torres, Mike Brown). Sure, it may be a little skeezy (Logan Couture) and downmarket (Matt Nieto), but the upside is that it's cheap (our bottom 6) and you can fight your way out of a brawl at the YMCA with one (Brent Burns).
Don't even try to compare the regular season champion of fortified hobo wines with our closest rival, Night Train, rotgut of choice for the LA Kings. Thunderbird soars, while Night Train chugs through the garbage. Is Night Train mentioned by the Beastie Boys AND the Insane Clown Posse? No. Is it in a song title by the Gories? No. Night Train gets a song by Guns & Roses, the second worst Hollywood STD peddlers behind Drew Doughty.
Q & A with
Night Train Drunkard Dunn about the Kings
shampeon: Which player--Stoll or Richards--do you least want to see roll into your house party at 12:30 AM? Keep in mind that Stoll is maybe the only person ever to get busted for drugs at Wet Republic, so he must have been doing something amazingly stupid.
Dunn: [Stoll pulls out cocaine in front of bouncer]
"I cant wait to fucking snort this shit off a girls ass."
s: "Look at all this! I've got enough for dozens and dozens of people."
Dunn: Richards is a downer. Stoll is the party one. Richards goes to court and asks for forgiveness. Stoll goes to court and tells the judge to fuck off.
s: Richards might just nod off in an opiate haze. Stoll is aggressively trying to fuck your girlfriend and her friends in the bathroom.
Dunn: Richards just sits there and cries, flipping through pictures of him and Carter on his phone. Richards I can contain. Stoll is a fucking hurricane of madness, erections, and nose candy. In this scenario, Stoll would bring like 20 girls over, I'd find one I actually like, then he would ask me to video him railing her. So even worse than Richards. I like this goofus and gallant scenario with these two.
s: How will Jonathan Quick elevate his elite freak-out skills this season? He's been getting increasingly agitated. Is this the year he, say, flings a stick into the crowd?
Dunn: He will pick up Ehrhoff and smash him over the crossbar this time. Fling him into the stands.
s: Good choice. How do you think the Kings defense will do this year? It's been a huge strength for the team.
Dunn: Better than last year, maybe not as good as 2014. Ehrhoff is sort of a question mark but McNabb should be better. Depth in the minors seems decent there. Wait that was too much of a real answer.
s: What do you really think happened during Trash Can Gate, where the Kings players kept Darryl Sutter from coming into the locker room during a players only meeting by piling up trashcans as a barrier?
Dunn: In sutters case:
"Stolly god dammit open the fuckin door."
s: Bonus question. In a fight with flint weapons, like a caveman would use, who wins, Brent Burns or Dodgers third baseman Justin Turner?
Dunn: I'd say Burns.
You're goddamn right it's Burns. He's touched the fucking monolith, and ready to evolve.
So, crack open a thick, rich bottle of Thunderbird, and let the apple-sweet goodness go down your throat as smooth as a Justin Braun breakout pass. It's the start of the regular season, and you and the Sharks are on your way to soaring above the dumpsters and broken dreams of those Night Train-loving clowns.
Sharks @ Kings
7:00 PM Pacific
Prediction: Sharks take an early 3-0 lead, then the Kings wake up, and oh god the pain, the pain, the pain.