/Shakes off empty beer cans.
Wh-what time is it? Oh fuck. Hockey is back. Shit. What team am I supposed to write about? The Coyotes, right? Kings? Sure ok, whatever.
/hacks up flem, pulls up pants, and picks a cockroach off of my scalp.
Hey jerks, looks like another exciting new year of hockey is upon us once more here at our *squints at computer* Battle of California. Well, I for one am excited and cannot wait for the Los Angeles Kings to get back at it and pound the crap out of the Sharks so I can make fun of Stace again!
Wait, what? Stace is gone? Did Meg come back? Or did that butt-head Jer cover them? Shampeon? The fuck?
Alright, now that that unpleasantness is over, we should talk about something very important. Something very near and dear to my heart. I mean liquor. Now I told you about my time I passed out miles from home one night in a park. And the time I drank homeless person vodka in an alley accidentally in San Bernardino. (Typically this is where I would have links to past work but the new search feature sucks)
But today we are here to discuss the Night Train. No, I do not mean the United States biological weapons testing, that's about Corey Perry. I am talking about that sweet delicious ass kicking wine. Night Train fits that bill so well it doesn't have a wikipedia page, but links to "low-end fortified wine" instead.
Now despite me trying pretty much every conceivable terrible alcoholic beverage known to man, I've never actually tried Night Train. I've drank five FourLoco cans in a night, and I really can't imagine anything worse than that ever. Still, some research was in order. Shockingly, neither my local supermarket nor liquor store carried the elusive Night Train. Despite being brewed by (THE SAME COMPANY AS THUNDERBIRD) E&J Gallo Winery they disclose no information about the locomotive of liver destruction, so I have to rely on testimonials.
Apparently, Night Train and Thunderbird are pretty similar. The main difference being that Night Train tastes like knock off brand grape juice and bleach, with a heavy dose of sleepy time fun drug you may know as Diphenhydramine. At least that is what is claimed. Who are you to say any different? One sip of this crazy shit will have you knocked out like you're Gary Busey after riding a motorcycle.
This is pretty accurate for the Kings and Sharks relationship I feel too. Both typically leave a rotten taste in your mouth, and you want to forget about ingesting/viewing them so badly you will drink/watch them again to forget about the prior experience. Like when you both lose your playoff spots to fucking Calgary and Vancouver, you stupid hacks. Nick Bonino, Linden Vey, and Brad Richardson? I mean Jesus Christ, c'mon. *ahem*
The main difference being is that Night Train/the Los Angeles Kings are at least palatable thanks to artificial grape flavoring/winning a few Cups not too long ago. Both liquors and teams make you sort of hate yourself a bit though due to being bum wine and employing awful shit heads. The Kings also make you fall asleep whenever they play the Nashville Predators, or if you're my friend who drank a whole bottle of whiskey he snuck in prior to a game at the Yard House. The Sharks offer no hope or pleasure and your the worst type of loser if you embrace them. Sort of like how Thunderbird is the no hope last vestige of happiness you have if you ever drink it. You're only hurting yourself at this point.
I didn't know we were doing interviews like this was Circle of Jerks, but I asked replace of Stace a question as to not to be rude.
Me the awesome guy: What do you expect under a Joe Pavelski presidency and how will he be blamed for failures?
Shammy Wow Plebans?: His quotes to the media will be at least 30% more boring compared to Jumbo, because Pavs is pretty much a walking cliche about hard work and playing the game the right way.
Me the awesome guy: Plainvelski (holy shit, what masterful word play)
Other person: Jumbo didn't give a shit what the media thought. Pavs is probably going to get mad when Ray Ratto deliberately misunderstands a hockey rule.
Me the awesome guy: Ray: "If shooting a puck over the glass is illegal, why'd you do it?"
/Pavelski's head explodes (ha ha! Another zinger!)
Whatever: Yeah, exactly. Jumbo would just talk about Playboy centerfolds or something until Brody Brazil left from embarrassment.
Pavs is going to get the same treatment as Marleau and Thornton, though, because he's 32 and has been setting career highs in counting stats, so he's due for a decline. Doug Wilson will decide it is the stress of talking to Tim Kawakami after games, and also that they keep losing to better, younger teams, and privately take away the C.
Wilson will also insist that it was not really a demotion. Pavs head will explode again, and he'll give nothing but interviews consisting of "uh, well, umm."
Logan Couture will stop negging 8s on Tinder for a couple minutes to talk about how, "we've got a lot of leaders in this room." And that will be that for the season.
Well there you have it everyone. The first post of the season. Welcome back!
Oh yeah, the weird game day widget.
Well, you see, that hasn't been around in like over a year. I can keep doing my stupid little MS Paint drawings, but maybe later. I have to draw a whole shark after all! I haven't even updated the BoC Facebook header. Probably because I keep drinking all this god damn Night Train.
Just be aware the game is tonight, and in L.A. You already know who's playing in it by now. Get your shit together, I can't hold your hand forever.
Prediction: Christian Ehrhoff and Milan Lucic somehow wind up fighting each other in the middle of the game. Martin Jones has an owl attack Tyler Toffoli on the bench like out of "The Birds". I pass out in the middle of the second period after finally obtaining Night Train and lacking any general interest. Kings lose 2-0.