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Kings Gameday: Off the Chain and On the Looch

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Welcome aboard

Why are you the way you are?
Why are you the way you are?
Harry How/Getty Images

If you're like me, you're probably smart and awesome. If you're also like me, you hated Milan Lucic when he was on the Boston Bruins. He was a pretty dirty player, acted like a petulant four year old, and his playing style resembles that of if you put ice skates on a mouth breathing wildebeest. Lucky for us, that all changed when he joined the Los Angeles Kings. What a relief.

You get where this is going.

I do not hide the fact I dislike certain players in the league. It's largely why I watch sports. So that I can find other people to hate and then can make fun of so I can feel better about myself. Congratulations on earning a billion dollars playing hockey, you look like you a jar of mayonnaise with pubes in it (high fives self and has a fleeting moment of superiority).

Guys on the Kings are weird outliers for this rule. I may hate their performances, but for whatever reason still like them (Regehr). I may think they are grossly overused and overrated, but cheer on their every minor accomplishment (Lewis). I may think they're cutting it close with every hit they go for, but will still defend them irrationally (Brown). Jake Muzzin sucks though. Anyways...

Now there is Lucic. He didn't come up through the system. He's not a likable scamp type personality that Justin Williams or even Matt Greene possess. His performance has been declining over the past few years. He doesn't have Stoll's abs. So what does he do for his first game as a King? Fan on an open net, get leveled by a sad little equine man, and goes Cro-Magnon as soon as he figures out what just happened.

I am being forced to actively cheer for this guy. Are you kidding me? What happens when he scores a goal? Does he fling shit at people? Eats a guy's eyeball? Discovers fire? These are questions I don't know if I want answered. It's very unfair to me that I should even be put into this spot.

The best part about Lucic's initial performance was him decrying being thrown out of the game. Maybe he was unfairly targeted. Probably because he was such a stain while up in Boston. Crazy how that works. He did say he didn't try to hurt American Pharaoh, because if that was the case, he actually would have hurt him. Yes, because trying to hurt someone and fucking that up would be embarrassing.

Lucky for us, he wasn't suspended and we get to watch the Missing Link in action tonight against the Glendale Coyotes.

Preview Coyotes

It can't be any worse than how they looked in the most recent display. Or it better not be. I don't have that much liquor left.

Prediction: Lucic scores, spears Shane Doan, and writes me an angry tweet telling me to climb down out of his ass. Kings still lose 3-1 after the Coyotes score three times during Lucic's match penalty, which he then blames on the liberal mainstream media.