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Kings Gameday: Raising Arizona

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I'm 90% certain I have used this title before. And 100% certain I have used this premise before.

Mike Smith couldn't even afford a real hat
Mike Smith couldn't even afford a real hat
Matt Kartozian-USA TODAY Sports

Since the NHL has decided to expand to Las Vegas, Seattle, Quebec City, Thunder Bay, Kansas City, Syracuse, Portland, Houston, Jacksonville, and Truckee a certain team has been left in a quandary. It is both good news and bad news for the Coyotes. On the one hand, their chances of leaving Arizona are pretty low now because every other market realizes they don't want them. On the other, the Coyotes will probably get kicked out of their arena anyways and will be the NHL's first vagrant team. They will play hockey in alleys, begging for fans, wearing the same played-in unwashed jerseys all year.

Or they will have to get creative.

It seems pretty clear the NHL doesn't want the Coyotes relocating, which I know is a stunner. At the very least they don't want them leaving the American Southwest. But given the arena issues the Coyotes are working with, where can they go?

Back to Phoenix!

The Suns have a perfectly good arena, and if the Islanders can get away with the shit they are pulling in Brooklyn with the Barclay's Center there is no reason the Coyotes can't figure something out in Phoenix. Maybe the basketball hoops won't move. That's fine. The Houston Astros have that stupid hill stuck in centerfield, and Flyers have a unmovable pylon stuck in their ice called Andrew MacDonald. Having basketball hoops in the slot on both sides of the ice could be fun. Like bumper pool.

Go to ASU!

Going to Arizona State is a perfect fallback option for the Coyotes because it is every high school student's fallback plan also. ASU has proven they will take anyone on, probably even the Coyotes. Max Domi, Anthony Duclair, and half the rest of the roster is about college aged also so they would easily integrate into college life. Shane Doan would be the older guy that's going to college finally that's buying beer for all the underage kids just so he can try and hangout with them even though no one really likes him.

Uhhhhhhh...Flagstaff!

I drove through Flagstaff way back when I first started blogging at this horrific site and I was shocked that it was snowing. Actual honest to god snow. I mean, it still smelled weird, but it's Arizona, and that's unavoidable. Now Flagstaff doesn't have an arena, but since it gets cold and snows the NHL could jerk themselves off a little more and make the Coyotes the first permanently outdoor team. There's probably already a rink somewhere in the woods out there because forests have all sorts of crazy shit in them. Like deranged ex-FBI agents, and inter-dimensional lodges of good and evil (I finished "Twin Peaks" by the way). Having a random hockey rink in the middle of nowhere can't be too much of a stretch. The crowds would probably be on par with what they have now too.

Albuquerque!

Okay, so it's not in Arizona so what? Ottawa doesn't play in Ottawa. The San Francisco 49ers don't play in San Francisco. The Florida Panthers play in a city that sounds like something out of a poorly written young adult novel. So who cares if the Arizona Coyotes don't technically play in Arizona. New Mexico is like Arizona's cousin. It's Arizona if Arizona wasn't suffering from being a total dickhead. They could even paint the ice blue, change the name to the Heisenbergs, and have their jerseys look like Jesse Pinkman's crazy sweatshirts. There are possibilities here, provided you look past the team being in a different state and featuring aspects of a TV show that's been off the air for over a few years now.

Actual Mexico!

The NFL has been toying with the idea of showcasing games in Mexico City, and pandering to Latinos with their monthly pander-fest. (Breast cancer awareness! month, support our troops! month, China and all those other countries nearby are it cool! month, etc.) The NHL needs to take this further and make inroads on the Mexican market before all those other sports show up and Mexico discovers that soccer isn't the only game in town to watch and obsess over and throw garbage at officials at. Canada's sorry ass has like twenty teams. Why can't Mexico get one? What's the matter Bettman? Afraid of a little diversity, you fucking racist?

The best part will be that in Mexico no one will know how truly awful and boring the Coyotes are because it's brand new. That matchup with the Devils now seems like a real enticing draw, as long as you don't know any better and have been watching soccer your whole life instead. They got baseball down in Mexico too, but even compared to soccer they are keenly aware of how slow and boring that is. It's time for a hockey infusion. Mike Smith covers diving so well that there will be immediate connections to soccer there also. They'll love it. Well, until Shane Doan likely says something offensive and the Coyotes have to high tail it back to that shitwad Sheriff Arpaio to save them.

Preview Coyotes

Yeah, they're still probably going to Seattle.

The Kings...won their last game? I don't really remember. It was a while back and they played against...Damn. I really don't know. Carter, Doughty, and Lucic scored that game. I think Kopitar did too. Okay yeah, they definitely won. Oh yeah it was the Panthers! Christ, what a forgettable team. Since relationships opened back up, maybe they can move to Cuba. The Havana Panthers sounds pretty cool.

The Whoa! Prediction: Muzzin scores twelve goals, and Domi starts crying and throwing a tantrum. Papa Domi shows up and comforts him by sucker punching Bailey.