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Kings Gameday: You're Problematic, Charlie Brown

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A Thanksgiving special

Not that Brown, but also a blockhead
Not that Brown, but also a blockhead
Jayne Kamin-Oncea-USA TODAY Sports

When I was a kid I think I must have watched A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving close to fifty times. The younger me appreciated the antics of Snoopy causing trouble, learning to be thankful for what you have, and Charlie Brown proving there has to be bigger fuckups in the world than myself. Except there was one serious issue with a A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving: Don't be thankful for what you have.

For the longest time I thought ol Charles Brown Getzlaf was the protagonist. The kid who meant well, tried to make everyone happy, and failed entirely. But no. That doesn't sound like a hero now does it? No, our hero is this brave soul.

patty thanksgiving

Peppermint Patty.

Again, younger me thought she was a total jerk, who also loud and demanding and greedy and frankly a total bitch. Lucky for me, the internet came along to enlighten me. She wasn't loud. She wanted to be heard. She wasn't demanding or greedy, besides wanting some respect. Who the hell was the bald headed fuck shooting her the stink-eye to treat her like this?

Charlie Brown has all the food and plans. All Patty wants is a little part of that. So she takes it upon herself to be involved. Except the round little woman hater doesn't want her around. He wants all the turkey and pie for his fat globe headed self. Patty wisely incorporates other oppressed minorities to apply some pressure, and it works. Charlie Brown agrees to have them over.

However, yet again he wants nothing to do with "his friends" Patty, Marcie, and Franklin. So he throws together a sorry as shit "meal" for them. Popcorn? Pretzels? Jellybeans??? All handled by a dog the entire time. I'm surprised Charlie Brown didn't just serve all his guests kibble given his apparent opinion of them all.

Then he feels all smug and agrees to have them over. Of course once they invite in Franklin, no one wants to sit by him. They even give him the broken chair, probably while having a good laugh. Franklin doesn't even get a word in during the whole movie.

franklin thanksgiving

Patty rightfully has had enough of this shit. She rips Chuck a new asshole, publicly shaming the hell out of him, where he finally flounces due to embarrassment. That is until Marcie pipes up and starts tone policing her. She starts claiming Patty was being rude, demanding, and that she should have talked with Charlie Brown privately to work out any issues. Marcie takes it upon herself to talk with Charlie Brown and sort things out. Essentially, she is the wrong sort of feminist.

But Patty's persistence pays off despite having to deal with Marcie's non-militaristic attitude (which is clearly brought on by her own white privilege). Well, sort of. Charlie Brown pawns the whole pressure of cooking dinner for a bunch of kids off onto another woman; his poor condominium dwelling grandma who he probably never visits. "Surprise grandma! Cook for me and my friends. CHOP CHOP." That will probably go great until she says something racist about Franklin.

The movie ends with Snoopy eating a whole damn turkey and Thanksgiving meal by himself. Charlie Brown was clearly holding out, and didn't want to share with a couple of girls and a person of color so he gave his food to his dog. Wait until twitter finds out about that.

lightning preview

Do I have to talk about hockey? Fine. The Kings won. They play Tampa Bay today. The end.

Prediction: Charlie Brown votes for Donald Trump.