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Kings Gameday: Who cares about Florida?

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The answer still is: no one

Bjugstad appears to be checking Toffoli's prostate
Bjugstad appears to be checking Toffoli's prostate
Gary A. Vasquez-USA TODAY Sports

This is a post that is going to be relevant for only a few hours, tops, and will be meaningless again. Sort of like the Panthers to everyone else in the league. The Florida Panthers are a team that appear to only exist for about three hours and then immediately disappear entirely. It's a weird vaccuum of semi-relevancy that goes as quickly as it arrived. We know nothing about the Panthers when they suddenly show up, and learn nothing about them by the time they leave. Except that while they are relevant during their few hours of existence, we come to hate them.

The roster assembled by the Panthers is a hodgepodge of players you used to know from NHL 09, and computer generated created players that sound entirely ridiculous. We will be forced to learn about an Ekblad, Gudblad, Bladurdaeu, Bjugblad, Petroblad, and a Grimaldi. Which is all in vain of course. We won't remember anything about them by five o'clock Pacific standard time this same day.

They are sort of a hockey team, like how they sort of part of an actual city. They try to sneak it past you when you ask where they are from, and they mumble, "fhlkjghfljkgrgFloridagfrjgagg." You ask where in Florida, and they try to say near Miami. But it's Sunrise. You know who else does that crap? The Senators. And you don't know anything about them either.

Their coach is named Gerrard Gallant because apparently Greggory Goofus wasn't available. He resembles The Thing if The Thing stopped working out. Instead of "IT'S CLOBBERING TIME" it's now "IT'S TIME FOR ME TO CHECK ON MY CHEF BOYARDEE I WAS MICROWAVING". It's just sad.

Players go there to die. Fans don't bother even going, but just die. The burgeoning business in Sunrise is corpse removal from the BB&T Center, which must stand for Bad, Boring, & Terminated. I had heard ownership was arguing on keeping the corpses in the seats so at least there's a crowd.

Lastly, there is the mascot. Some teams honor former staff, like Bailey. Others have goofy names, like Wild Wing (who also get statues). Unfortunate boring non-creative teams have unfortunate boring non-creative mascot names, like Sharkie. Some teams even have mascots that they make play for the team despite them being devoid of all talent, like Shane Doan. But the Panthers?

Stanley C. Panther

stanley c panther

Fuck you. You clearly don't care and you look high.

panthers preview

Kings lost to the sad sack BJs last game because I wasn't around to inspire them not to suck (pun intended). They'll probably lose to this imaginary team that comes around once a year like a ghost returning annually to haunt people. Except the Panthers don't haunt, they only annoy.

Sutter had Trevor Lewis and Tanner Pearson up as Kopitar's linemates, because if Anze Kopitar is going to have wingers who don't do anything, they could at least be sorta funny about it. Nick Shore meanwhile gets to look like a real cheap jerk as his new wingers sit on the bench, eating caviar, and talking about their stock portfolios while continuing to not score. Andreoff, Nolan, and Clifford will persist to reenact the opening scene of 2001: A Space Odyssey every time they take to the ice.

UPDATE

Hey this is the same post as the last time the Kings played the Panthers! Okay, so the Kings lost to Carolina after taking a lot of penalties, and are on a bit of a skid. So much for Jordan Weal solving everything. Dwight King is our one true savior, and Trevor Lewis is in the role of Jesus as his understudy in his absence. Top Line Trevor Lewis needs to return to get this team going again! My idea:

Gaborik - Kopitar - Lewis

Lucic - Carter - Toffoli

(has this line been playing good lately? I've missed the past few games)

Pearson - Shore - Brown

Clifford - Andreoff - Nolan

(Just to piss off all the fans and to see how much Weal can take before losing his mind)

Once Dwight The One True King of Kings returns, he can play on the top line. Trevor Lewis becomes Fourth Line Forgettable Lewis (FLFL, or "falafel") and you can run him, Clifford, and that useless Weal kid out there.

Prediction: Kings lose 5-3, and we can't remember who they actually lost to, but are angry nonetheless. Yep same prediction as last time.