The NHL All-Star game has a few fatal flaws that every All-Star event has. One: All-Star games are inherently boring because there are no real stakes involved (nice try baseball) and the players half-ass the whole thing because they aren't getting paid probably. Two: Voting.
Voting is the dumbest thing ever conceived by humanity, largely because we as humans are complete fuckwits. It would probably work if we were actually an intelligent bunch, but we aren't. I mean we still let Texans vote. That's a recipe for disaster. The only thing we utilize are voting prowess on that we are actually well informed about is reality television singing shows. Even still, we fuck that up half the time because a girl on the show may be incredibly hot, "we can't have a black guy win again since one won last year", or we vote along an awful participant just for laughs.
So then there is voting for All-Star games. Again, we as a society display our ignorance proudly and loudly as we send old broken down mascots Derek Jeter and Kobe Bryant to these sad displays, even though we should be sending them to the crematorium. We write in Zemgus Girgensons because it would be funny. Actually, it sort of is, especially when you wind up with this shit.
All those Blackhawks and they didn't even manage to vote in their best player. I'm also legitimately surprised Kyle Cumiskey wasn't voted in. "He's on Chicago AND the word 'cum'! It's too good to be true." I'll give the NHL one thing though, and it's that they limit the damage the populace has on these shit shows. Baseball meanwhile seems to have a serious voting problem called "Missouri" that they only keep encouraging.
Since the All-Star game and voting itself appears unwilling to die, here's what I propose: Limit the damage even further.
Let people "vote" and do what you do with any garbage, and throw it all out. We need someone who knows what they are doing. We need someone in control. We need a tyrant. Luckily, I know just the personality in the NHL.
Good ol' Dean Lombardi is the type of guy who blends dictator, mob boss, and Batman-ish villain perfectly. He is cold, calculating, and a damn fine actor. He almost made us think he was sad that one time. Instead he dumps guys left and right without any regards for rules, and picks up quality players in exchange for Jack Johnson. This is the sort of man we need in charge, and "tallying votes".
Let him come up with the rosters while the plebeians think they are being heard. No more will we be forced to have Ottawa select half their roster to the All-Star team. I mean, Sergei Gonchar almost made it, IN 2012 WHAT THE FUCK. Have some reasoning and intelligence substituted in for the farce known as democracy. Prevent Ryan Garbutt from making the team. Make someone else do our decision making for us. We are far too stupid.
The Kings won last game thanks to Patrick Kane being forced to play defense during three on three. It was pretty spectacular. The Canucks meanwhile continue to...I don't really know. I have no idea what they've been doing. Nor do I care. Is Ryan Miller still their goalie? See? No one knows these things. And they expect us to vote? Christ.
Prediction: The proletariat fails at voting and lovable scamp Mike Ribeiro gets over a million votes for the All-Star game. Meanwhile, Kyle Clifford and Brandon Prust kill each other tonight.