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Kings Gameday: Condiments

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There's more to life than mayo

the Crosbymobile
the Crosbymobile
Robert Laberge/Getty Images

We all know that Sidney Crosby survives solely off of and is made entirely up of mayonnaise. It came out in Sports Illustrated, and the world has been repulsed ever since. I just don't think that hockey was ready for a player to be that openly mayo. But what about the rest of the Penguins?

Evgeni Malkin is Grey Poupon. He is expensive, tangy, and is the choice of arrogant British buttheads.

Beau Bennett is blue cheese salad dressing.

Kris Letang is sweet and sour sauce. If sweet and sour sauce was perpetually injured.

David Perron is an asshole. I mean, he is tartar sauce.

Phil Kessel is fifteen sticks of butter.

Marc-Andre Fleury is Cool Whip.

Olli Maatta is pickle relish.

Pascal Dupuis is ketchup because never mind actually.

Eric Fehr is on the Penguins? When did that happen? Let's say he's vinegar.

Ben Lovejoy is cottage cheese because he is the god damn worst.

Rob Scuderi is Vaseline, because he lets opposing forwards slide right by.

Chris Kunitz is left over hot dog water that collects at the bottom of the packaging.

penguins preview

The Kings are on a nice little winning streak, which in the Pacific division that could mean only back to back wins or a dozen overtime loses in a row. But nope. The Kings have actually strung together five wins. Though three of those have come via three-on-three and I don't think my health insurance covers sports spectating related illnesses. So if they could settle things in regulation, it would be greatly appreciated before I suffer a series of heart attacks.

Prediction: The Kings lose 4-3. But in regulation, so I thank them anyways. Goals by Carter, Brown, and Doughty.