We are in the month of December, and the NHL rumor mill is buzzing. There is one big name in particular that continues to come up in trade talks: Steven Stamkos. As a trusted NHL insider I'm here to give you my hot takes on the impending trade your favorite team is about to make. He'll be sliding into your roster like:
Because your team can't score goals and win games, Stamkos is heading to Anaheim. You'll have to give up a first round pick and sign Stamkos to a debilitating long-term contract that handcuffs your team for the future. Oh wait, that's Ryan Kesler and Kevin Bieksa. You're screwed!
Stamkos is coming to the desert as part of Gary Bettman's conspiracy to "revitalize" the hockey market only so the team can move to Las Vegas. He'll be moving from one retirement community to the next, so this deal is perfect. You'll have to give up 2015-2016 All Star John Scott and a prospect which will make your team irrelevant again.
In his first season as GM, Don Sweeney wants to make a splash this trade deadline. I hear he wants to trade away team pariah and locker room cancer Tuukka Rask in a straight up exchange for Stamkos, but talks have cooled since the Lightning have demanded fan favorite Zac Rinaldo be the centerpiece of the trade.
The Sabres are offering their top-10 pick at this year's draft for the sniper. At this point Stamkos has one foot in the Buffalo crease, but the Lightning are leaving their options open.
With Jonas Hiller demanding to play in a market where fans actually know the game of hockey, it is only logical to see him being traded to Tampa Bay in exchange for Stamkos. This deal is perfect since Hiller would prefer to be the backup goaltender to Ben Bishop in Tampa Bay than Kari Ramo in Calgary.
Captain Eric Staal wants out of the tire fire that is the Carolina Hurricanes. An exchange of captains is what these teams need, but the only thing holding this deal up is Staal's refusal to move to Tampa Bay without his other inbred brother, Jordan.
Matt Duchene is definitely getting traded out of Colorado, just not for Stamkos. The Tampa Bay center doesn't want to play for Lucifer himself, Patrick Roy, who makes his players cry themselves to sleep at night.
It's only a matter of time before the Blue Jackets trade Ryan Johansen and Brandon Saad to the Lightning for Steven Stamkos. The team will still fail to make the playoffs and then turn around and trade Stamkos to the Kings in the 2016-2017 season for Dustin Brown.
In an attempt to save the franchise before Tyler Seguin becomes as good and as controversial as Patrick Kane, the Stars are trying to trade him to Tampa Bay. Stamkos could teach Jamie Benn about going down, like he did after suffering his season-ending broken leg injury in 2013.
After losing their coach to Toronto, the Red Wings are looking for a reason to live. Stamkos can replace old man and known communist Pavel Datsyuk as a legitimate scoring threat. The Wings would have to give up Dylan Larkin and move back to the Western Conference where they will never make the playoffs again in the Central Division.
Edmonton seems to be the perfect fit for Steven Stamkos. Where else would a former first-round draft pick with zero Stanley Cups go?
I hear that Jaromir Jagr has volunteered as tribute to be traded to Tampa Bay. He hopes wants to add to his collection of NHL jerseys while staying in his retirement community.
You may have heard rumors that Dustin Brown is going to be traded for Evgeni Malkin. These rumors are 100% false. You should never trust everything you hear on the internet. Brown is too valuable to the Kings. The truth is that Anze Kopitar will be traded for Steven Stamkos. The Kings are looking for a "Florida Man" to round out their criminal lineup, and Kopitar will enjoy living in Florida where other raccoons infest the land.
A team known for signing "star players" to insanely stupid contracts is ripe for a new one. Stamkos can enjoy his life of mediocrity and playoff disappointment in Minnesota just in time to play in the outdoor game that ruins a great tradition.
The Canadiens want to trade for a real Canadian captain. Max Pacioretty will be traded for Stamkos only to lead the Lighting to a sweep of the Canadiens in the Eastern Conference final.
The Predators are willing to trade any player for Steven Stamkos. The Lightning aren't ready to make the deal considering they must also agree to take the Preds yellow primary color as well.
From one retirement home to the next, New Jersey is the perfect fit for Stamkos. The Devils trade away what little youth they have left only to see Stamkos defect to the KHL.
Garth Snow wants Stamkos badly. He won't get him though, as Tampa Bay won't answer the phone when an idiot who signed Rick DiPietro to a 15-year contract calls.
The Rangers have made trades with the Lighting in the past, making this a likely landing spot for Stamkos. The Rangers want Callahan back too, so they'll have to give up a lot. Jerret Stoll should be enough to cover it.
There is no way Stamkos becomes a Senator. There is nothing in Ottawa that Tampa Bay wants to acquire. The Norris trophy is a joke.
You're going to get Stamkos just like you were going to get Bobby Ryan.
A team that only wants to play offense is perfect for Stamkos. The Pens trade Chris Letang and Olli Matta by the deadline to acquire another forward. Enjoy top-pairing defenseman Ben Lovejoy.
If you didn't know, Patrick Marleau wants out of San Jose. He also wants to go to a cup contender, so that rules out any team in the Pacific Division. The Sharks would never trade within the conference for fear of Marleau's revenge. They trade him to Tampa Bay for Stamkos where Marleau wins a cup and retires.
The graveyard of the NHL won't see Stamkos for another 10-15 years, but I can't wait to see his lifeless corpse play for necropheliac Ken Hitchcock.
You aren't re-siging Stamkos. Why did you even click on this article?
A team on the rise needs a star player. Stamkos is coming to Toronto to save your season and Mike Babcock's job. He'll drag the team into the playoffs only to lose to Phil Kessel and the Penguins.
Sbisa for Stamkos. Straight up.
The Capitals only like enigmatic Russians that don't back check. Stamkos isn't landing in Washington any time soon.
Ducks vs. Lightning
December 2, 2015, 7:30 p.m. PST
Honda Center – Anaheim, CA
Stamkos scores goals. The Ducks look bad on "Star Wars Night."
Today you're listening to: Sorry (Latino Remix) by Justin Bieber