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Kings Gameday: Cider House Rules

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I never actually saw this movie. Is it about cider? What a strange premise.

Cider with a side of hipster
Cider with a side of hipster
Peter Macdiarmid/Getty Images

Apple cider is already a pretty outstanding drink. It's like juice except you don't have to be six to enjoy it. Plus, you can serve it hot and all of sudden it's a "holiday" beverage. And guess what else you can do with it? BOOZE IT THE FUCK UP. Talk about versatility. It's like the Trevor Lewis of beverages. In that ingesting enough is too American and you will puke.

Unlike eggnog, which will make you puke outright because it is fucking disgusting. Raw eggs are disgusting. Eggs in any form in a beverage is like ingesting sewage. And what the fuck is "nog"? No one ever asks for "nog". There's never a part of the year aside from now when anyone wants eggnog anyways. It's only ever around for sentimental value. And sentimental value makes you keep around old useless shit. Like Teemu Selanne. But sure, add some booze to it. It's necessary, in that you get so fucked up you forget you had a whole pint of eggs, half and half, nutmeg, and brandy.

Cider is the normal drink. Hot cider is the classy drink. Hot cider loaded with whatever liquor is the drink of Jesus and champions of whatever everywhere. Jesus chugging a whole keg of cider mixed with alcohol is what Christmas is all about. That punk-ass Judas was busy sipping eggnog, felt like shit, and then killed himself. Is that what you want to be?

I didn't think so.

Of course the Sharks are the eggnog team. Their roster consists of Patrick Marleau, Martin Jones, and Marc-Edouard Vlasic. Those motherfuckers probably shower in eggnog. Except they probably won't even put liquor in it, and in Marleau's case I doubt he even puts nutmeg in it out of fear of it being a gateway spice to more intense spices like cumin or cayenne pepper. Meanwhile, the Kings are throwing everything from cinnamon to rubbing alcohol into their hot apple cider and are getting plastered like champions should. Not sucking down eggs and gallons of milk.

sharks preview

Today is the Battle of California meetup. This is a momentous occasion for our humble blog. I don't know who all is going to be there, but rest assured I will be there, likely fucked up on cider. The official meetup time is 6:00 at the Yard House, but I will likely be there closer to 5:00 drinking by myself because that is what I got my college degree in, plus a Master's in being a drain on society.

The Kings seemed to actually be drunk in their last game in Toronto, and they got pounded. They seem to have a real knack for playing down to these lesser teams from Canada. Who knows what we will be seeing tonight, but that won't matter because the real disaster in action will be the bloggers chugging Purell in the hopes of achieving a buzz. This is our pinnacle as a society.

Prediction: Cory pukes, Ian ditches us, and Jer knocks me out in front of a cop and gets arrested. I argue with a cop about cider vs eggnog and whether Drew Doughty deserves a Norris win. Kings lose 3-2. Spade says something offensive to a woman.