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Sharks Gameday: Dead

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San Jose sucks but at least we can blame it on injuries now

RIP <3
RIP <3
Geoff Burke-USA TODAY Sports

It feels like everyone on the Sharks this season at some point has died for at least 5 minutes, not sure if it's because they've been lifeless for the past couple of weeks (admit it, even that beat down of Vancouver was kind of boring) or because of the countless amount of injuries that have taken place. Let's look at who is currently injured on the Sharks.

Raffi Torres

I truly believe that he is actually dead and that's fine with me but when the news comes out and Sharks fans hold a candlelight vigil for him, I'm out y'all

Mike Brown

This loss has been the most devastating for the Sharks, considering that John Scott has been consistently scratched the past couple of games, there is no true leadership currently iced for the Sharks. If you recall, Sure, their spirit lives on, but what does that matter when you have a team filled with heartless chumps? Brown is out because he tried to check an Oiler, missed, and hurt his leg.

<blockquote class="twitter-tweet" lang="en"><p><a href="">#SJSharks</a> are 5-0 with Mike Brown in the lineup, and outscoring the opposition 22-9</p>&mdash; Kevin Kurz (@KKurzCSN) <a href="">December 6, 2014</a></blockquote>

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Kev misses you, Mikey. Come home soon. He needs you more than ever.

Justin Braun

The Sharks are hurting from the loss of Justin Braun solely because the team is a lot uglier without him. Also, he is the second best defenseman on the team (oh my god wow that is a really depressing statement). He has a hand injury because he blocked a Mike Cammalleri shot.

Tye McGinn

It really doesn't make a difference to me because he is easily replaced by anyone in Worchester. He suffered an upper body injury (why can't they just say concussion?) against Chicago a couple weeks back. Whatever who cares.

Marc-Edouard Vlasic

Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo COME BACK! Obviously the best defenseman on the Sharks and it's not even close. Earlier this season Joe Thornton was injured for a bit and we got a preview of what it would be like without him. The game and a half without Vlasic has already been a nightmare. The post-Marleau/Thornton/Vlasic era is going to be disgusting I don't need any further examples to test this hypothesis.

Daniil Tarasov

I know what you're thinking, "haha I'm sorry, who?" and you know, we here at Battle of California are proud to provide you with the truth, and the truth is, I don't fucking know go read Fear The Fin.


Well clearly the only solution to the problem, besides dumping shitting players and acquiring good players to help the Sharks start winning again, was to regain the rights to Evgeni Nabokov so the Sharks can perhaps add another sad banner to the rafters. In all honesty, it's pretty awesome that they are doing this, as he was a staple in San Jose Sharks history, even if that history is mostly sad. Welcome home, Nabs, we love you.

But anyway, yeah there is no solution and the Sharks are doomed.


San Jose Sharks vs. Washington Capitals

7:30pm PST

Sad Asshole Patrol Center



Good thing the Capitals never win at SAP Cen-oh, they broke that losing streak last year? Goddammit. Like I previously stated. DOOMED. Inconsistent goaltending + no defense + Alexander Ovechkin = see ya. Sharks lose one billion to zero.

Setting the Tone:

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Tweet of the Day:

<blockquote class="twitter-tweet" lang="en"><p>Really surprised the Philadelphia Flyers didn’t offer more to get Evgeni Nabokov.</p>&mdash; The Royal Half (@theroyalhalf) <a href="">February 9, 2015</a></blockquote>

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Awful Hockey Tattoo of the Day:

Get it? Haha, like knee caps? HEY WAIT WHERE ARE YOU GOING