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Kings Gameday: Better know a Bort

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It's good sport, Derek Forbort, because the Kings are out of sorts with their defensive cohorts

"Uh, hi or whatever...This is fucking stupid."
"Uh, hi or whatever...This is fucking stupid."
Harry How/Getty Images

Way back in 2010 (remember then? Wow, what a time to be alive) the NHL had its entry draft out in Los Angeles at the Staples Center. I got to go to that with my buddy, Jeff. He was the one who got us kicked out of the Ponda back when we were in high school because he took his Ducks jersey off to reveal his Kings jersey underneath while he was riding the zamboni. We both had about eight beers that evening, and didn't go back for the second day and instead watched the World Cup at a bar across the street. Unbeknownst to me at the time, two Battle of California writers were at the same event. Under the guise of credentialed sports writers no less. But that's neither here nor there.

What was important was that one Derek "Bort" Forbort was getting drafted by the Los Angeles Kings. I got to see that happen in person, too! Not Tyler Toffoli being drafted the day afterwards though, no of course not. I was busy getting drunk at 10 AM across the street at some bar across from the draft watching the U.S. soccer team lose to Ghana. Now Derek Bort-Bort-Bort-Bort hold an unfortunate statistic currently. He's the only player that was drafted in the first in 2010 to not have played in an NHL game. People also like to point he was taken ahead of Vladimir Tarasenko and Nick Bjugstad. But Florida and St. Louis don't have any championships, so fuck them. Besides, the Kings wanted a defenseman. And there's not a lot of them I recognize from that year.

Brandon Gormley? Dylan McIlrath?? Mark Pysyk??? Really, I only recognize Cam Fowler, and that's because he's so terrible you can't miss him. I guess there's also Eric Gudbranson, but he plays for the Panthers so he may as well be dead.

But what about Bort? Here's the rundown on Derek Forbortion:

  • 6'20 tall.
  • Bronze medalist.
  • Gold medalist.
  • Unobtainium medalist.
  • Escaped from the hellish prison of Minnesota.
  • Slap shot breaks the sound barrier.
  • President of "BORT" vanity toy license plate club.
  • Can eat a whole moose in one sitting.
  • Thinks John Scott is a little bitch.
  • Understood LOST from the start.
  • Left handed shot.

flames preview

The Kings have a McBain, a (For)Bort, and as Rudy pointed out to me Mike Richards is essentially Poochie. The Kings are slowly turning into the Simpsons. Also, they won two games! In a row! As for Derek Forbort, I don't actually see how he plays in this game. Brayden McNabb would be the likely suspect to be scratched, as he is a lefty and has been scratched lately. He also played pretty well last game. Maybe Sutter sits Jamie McBain, but I don't see that either, as it means moving one of the lefties to their off-hand. Aside from Alec Martinez, have any of them done that? Forbort may get his shot. It just won't be this game. Barring a Robyn Regehr sudden injury or illness.

Prediction: This is close to a "must win" game. Kings lose 4-2. Goals by Carter and Kopitar.