clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile

Filed under:

Kings Gameday: Lonely

New, 25 comments

The worst post you will read at Battle of California

Kirby Lee-USA TODAY Sports

Every once in a while you have a moment where you wonder where the hell it all went wrong. How has it come to this? Well, here we are. It has come to my attention the world is a fucked up place. I mean really fucked. Lately here at Battle of California, we've somehow had the discussion of "is so and so hott?" Except that "so and so" is an animated animal. There is a fetish for this, with furries. I don't get this shit. Fortunately, everyone has got a animated animal super hunk/babe.

I had to get really drunk for this post. I mean REALLY drunk. Do not, DO NOT, click those links unless you are into this sort of stuff or have a good therapist. Googling "Lola Bunny hot/sexy" may have been some of the most disturbing, questioning if god was real work I've ever had to do. I should enlist in the military. I really hate myself and I had to burn my hard drive and chuck it in the ocean after having to...RESEARCH what you fuck ups are in to. *deep breath* Here we go.

Gadget, Chip and Dale Rescue Rangers

I wrote a brief note about Gadget earlier this week when I said David Savard looks like a cousin to Chip and/or Dale. Looking up a stock image for the show revealed people really have a thing for Gadget. Gadget is a petite mouse who has a roller coaster in Toon Town at Disney Land. She also has a cult in Russia.

"How could I not love the Goddess?. She is strict, cute, optimistic and her level of technical knowledge is unachievable for a mortal being."

I guess for a mouse, she's...cute? I don't know. She's a blonde if you're into those, and is one smart rodent. So she's smart, funny, creative, and adorable. Also, a mouse, but whatever. All things considered, I guess you could do worse for an animated animal.

Hotness: 7/10?

Rationality (all things considered): 9/10

Rebecca, Talespin

If you don't go for mechanics, you could go for a businesswoman. Or business bear woman. Straight out of school, Rebecca Cunningham is another smart, innovating Disney female character. Disney apparently knew what it took to get guys is a tizzy. A wise-cracking, smart, nice gal. They only had to change minor things, like what their profession was, or if they were going to be a mouse or bear. She wound up in a weird Aladdin crossover according to the Disney-wiki. Now you can have that Jasmine/Rebecca hookup you've been yearning for.

Hotness: 6/10? (Her outfit suuuuuuuuucks)

Rationality (all things considered): 8/10

Robin Hood, Robin Hood

One for the ladiez. Actually, Robin Hood was the leading vote getter out of EVERY SINGLE CHARACTER. Congratulations fox-man. I clearly need to become a fox. Truthfully, Robin Hood as a character is pretty roguish, and it's not shocking that girls (or guys) are into that. Plus, people love foxes. It was a surefire plan by Disney (AGAIN!) to get kids attracted to animals. Maybe Disney is promoting a pro-bestiality agenda. We all thought that Walt hated Jews and wanted world domination, when in fact he just wanted to love animals. I mean really love animals.

Hotness: 9/10? (of course I go that high for the first male on this list)

Rationality (all things considered): 9/10

Maid Marian, Robin Hood

Man, this movie was all about getting kids into wanting to get it on with foxes. I didn't bother translating the quote, so you're on your own. Whatever she said about Jerusalem...let's just agree. Fine. Whatever. So here's what you do with Maid Marian, folks. Just cue up Jimi Hendrix's "Foxy Lady" and stare at that picture. Then go to church.

Hotness: 7/10? (loses points due to weird head dress thingy. What's she hiding under there? This isn't ISIS, this America! We should have our cartoon characters fully exposed to wank it to!)

Rationality (all things considered): 9/10 (princesses are easy to rationalize)

Lola Bunny, Space Jam

And thus begins the descent into rabbit delirium. Space Jam takes on a different meaning when you discover how many guys wanted to get it on with Lola. Perhaps the movie should have been two hours of Michael Jordan having sex with a rabbit. Lola is essentially a ready-made Playmate. Except she is a cartoon who plays basketball and is a rabbit with gloves on. For the love of everything holy. Do. Not. Google search. I'm fairly certain Wayne Knight stole the animation frames of her. I sort of get the attraction, I suppose. She's an athlete, and then there in the aforementioned Playboy Playmate model behind the character. It didn't help that the animators gave her an exposed midriff, short-shorts, and an ample chest. Cause you know. Rabbits.

Hotness: sigh. 10/10

Rationality: 9/10

Babs Bunny, Tiny Toon Adventures

For those that were into Lola Bunny but wanted her to be younger. Congratulations! You're twice as sick! Tiny Toons was a funny show though. Plus, Buster got to live the dream of going through life without pants on ever. Weren't they supposed to be twelve? Jesus, what the hell, people? There is also a rapper named Babs Bunny. She is neither pink, nor a rabbit. Sorry.


Rationality (all things considered): NOPE. UNDERAGE.

Nala, The Lion King

Nala was a surprisingly high vote getter, especially since she doesn't have human traits aside from the voice. Her voice actress is good looking? She has a nice voice? Let's go with that. Aside from the rabbit barrage, nearly every character suggested was from a Disney movie. I cannot stress that enough. Okay okay...Where were we? Nala? She could easily beat up Simba. I assume the guys into her are into being dominated. A few people were very specific saying "older" or "adult" Nala. Yes, because it's good to have boundaries.

Hotness: 2/10? (It's a lion with no human features. Albeit a very pretty lion with a nice voice)

Rationality (all things considered): 5/10 (seriously, Moira Kelly has a very nice voice)

Roxanne, A Goofy Movie

Hey, great. Another teenager. I know I said in the tweet asking for these, "crushes", but it doesn't help me cope with the fact I am googling animated semi-animals that, on top of everything else, are teenagers. It's like being into Nazis, but only the ones that worked at death camps. Also great: the background art in that picture. A girl being chased by a sausage and a half naked volleyball player.  It's funny though. I saw this movie close to five hundred times as a kid and I don't remember her at all. I remember the car falling over a waterfall and Goofy and his dickish kid fighting over the car radio, but nothing on her. Was she friends with Goofy's son's fat friend? Also, I'm just saying, Goofy's son (Goof Jr? Flynn?) could have easily locked this down without pretending to be a pop musician's assistant or whatever the plot to this movie was.


Rationality (all things considered): Get help

Sonic, Sonic the Hedgehog

It was a lot harder to find suggestive pictures for the male characters. Aside from the few that were crudely drawn pictures of them with their wieners out. Those were great. I really enjoyed this post. Fuck all of you. Anyways, Sonic was another high vote getter. I'm assuming it's because he sorta looks like a fox also, except is also blue. He's another example of a character that's an animal wearing white gloves. Maybe character designers just really like Michael Jackson? Sonic runs really fast and has a video game. He helps people, but only to help himself, and seems sort of like an arrogant douche. The perfect recipe to get popular.

Hotness: 7/10?

Rationality (all things considered): 7/10

Tails, Sonic the Hedgehog

Only one person voted for Tails. I won't say who exactly, but she writes for Battle of California. Tails is a fox I think, so that may have something to do with the allure. However, he's only a sidekick to the much cooler Sonic. Have a thing for both of them? Well god help you sick son of a bitch.

Hotness: 4/10?

Rationality (all things considered): 2/10 (sidekick, whiny, lame)

Smurfette, The Smurfs

Does she actually count as an animal? Good question. Yet, here she is on this list. She was the only female in a whole civilization, and I don't know if she offered any more besides that because I never watched the Smurfs and definitely will not now given that the internet's portrayal is that it is a town of small blue people who have orgies over Smurfette . She was voiced by Katy Perry in the Smurf movies, so some hotness spillover cannot be prevented.

Hotness: 5/10?

Rationality (all things considered): 8/10 (Katy Perry can do that)

Bugs Bunny in drag, Looney Toons

Someone suggested this, even though it is a joke from Wayne's World. Of course there were pictures.

Hotness: Why god

Rationality (all things considered): If you're Elmer Fudd, it's acceptable. So this may be okay for Ryan Getzlaf

Sandy, Spongebob Squarepants

There were quite of few oddities to Sandy. She is a squirrel living underwater in a dome. How'd she get there? Who built this crap? What does she look like without her clothes on? Only real deviant fuckos had that last question and jesus christ these pictures may have been worse. She also has a Texan accent and works out hardcore. Whatever floats your boat about having the hots for a cartoon squirrel living underwater.

Hotness: 5/10?

Rationality (all things considered): 4/10 (squirrels have diseases you sick monster)

Sally, Cars

There was a guy who made headlines a while back for being in a relationship with his car. This is fucking weird enough to allow to be on this. Cause hey, this party isn't getting any less creepy? Thankfully, I didn't find disgusting, life damaging pictures of this car. However, there are a lot of videos of girls revving car engines and guys fondling themselves to that. Hooray.

Hotness: 1/10? (Not even an attractive car!)

Rationality (all things considered): 1/10 (Cars is stupid and Pixar's lamest movies)

Cheetara, Thundercats

An oldie but a still-nasty-as-hell-what-is-wrong-with-you. People have been saying Cheetara was hot for a while, because of course there are forums you can visit and find others who touch themselves to the same drawings. It's great there is such a lively active community for this. Anyhow, Cheetara is pretty humanish, so it wasn't as bad when I google image searched for her and got bombarded with Thundercats smut. My grandparents are probably spitting on me from their graves.

Hotness: 9/10?

Rationality (all things considered): 8/10 (pro: she's an action hero! con: animated cat lady)

Brak, Space Ghost

I liked Brak in Space Ghost Coast to Coast but someone saying he was hot was a bit hard to fathom. As Earl has pointed out, he looks like the Wild's logo. There is nothing hot about Minnesota. Except Elizabeth. Hi Elizabeth please go out with me. I'm stuck writing about furries and cartoons for two thousand words please get me out of here help.

Hotness: 3/10?

Rationality (all things considered): 3/10 (Brak was hardly even the funniest, even on his own show)

Beast, Beauty and the Beast

Chest hair I guess?

Hotness: 8/10?

Rationality (all things considered): 8/10 (dude has a castle and singing furniture)

Ariel (fish half), The Little Mermaid

Ariel got mentioned by Jer and while I could argue her animated attractiveness, I specifically said ANIMAL. That means fish parts. Not even the old man and the sea would seriously consider that. Way to go, Jer. You want to have sex with fishes. Does your family know? I am calling Protective Services.


Rationality (all things considered): YOU'RE A MONSTER

Launchpad McDuck, Duck Tales

Hotness: 10/10

Rationality (all things considered): Always perfect for Rudy

preview capitals

I don't care about the end of this post. Fuck it. Fuck everything. Kings play the Capitals. There. Done. Gotta go. Bye. Happy Valentine's day.

Prediction: *puts gun in mouth*