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Sharks Gameday: The one guy that cares about the Senators

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Stace has abandoned you. So Bonk's Mullet has decided to turn in her homework for her.

Some call this sport graceful
Some call this sport graceful
USA Today Sports

Hello California,

Because Stace is getting married today, and because my wedding invitation was revoked after I popped out of the cake 24 hours earlier than scheduled, I've been punished with the task of writing the game day preview for this website. It's a natural fit for me because nobody reads my website either. My name is Bonk's Mullet and I'm a Sens fan.

I work for a children's publishing company in Calgary, and we're currently writing a series about every NHL team. Today my boss said "I don't pay attention to the California teams. They've never won anything." At least she was 33% right.

The Senators Are Weird Looking

This is Ottawa's last game of the "dreaded" February California road trip (Please note that it "feels like" -15 degrees Farenheit in Ottawa today). The Sens landed in San Jose today in style:

Just another picture of a team arriving at an airport? Michalek and Methot look pretty fashionable I guess. But think again! Let's zoom and enhance:

A few questions:

  • Is that Erik Karlsson, Jeff Lynne, or Cousin Itt?
  • What's in the box? I'm judging by Erik Karlsson's appearance that he spent all night in the desert, wrangling lizards to gift to Brent Burns. The two are currently tied for 4th in d-man scoring, and Karlsson knows that Burns can't resist a distracting mid-game snack. Or it might just be explosives. Which might also be a Brent Burns mid-game snack.
  • Why is Erik Condra's head that shape?

Gone Viral

It might be overkill at this point, but given the events on social media this week, I'd be remiss if I didn't at least comment on the story that's taken the entire internet by storm: Andrew Hammond.

This week, Andrew Hammond became the first goalie in NHL history to record a shutout against LA and Anaheim on back-to-back nights, not to be confused with Mike Richards and Jeff Carter's iron man streak of recording blackouts in LA and Anaheim on back-to-back nights.

Hammond's been the subject of a hot debate ranging everywhere from a small group of Sens fans on Twitter, to maybe the radio somewhere: Is Andrew Hammond more elite than Jonathan Quick? Let's find out:

  • Hammond's career save percentage is .965, Quick's is .915. Weak.
  • Hammond has shutouts in 50% of his career starts. Quick only has shutouts in 9%. Pathetic.
  • Quick has 31 career playoff losses. Hammond has 0. Elite.
  • Quick has allowed the 5th most goals in the NHL this year. Hammond? 73rd. Dominant.
  • Hammond is listed at 6'1'', 216 lbs. Quick at 6'1'', 220 lbs. Fat.
  • Hammond has shut out the Kings. Quick never has. Debate over.

The Top 5 Players You Didn't Know Were Sharks

Alright well I've put off mentioning San Jose because I took a glance at the Sharks roster and I have no idea who any of these players are. As a result, I've compiled a list of the top 5 players you didn't know were Sharks or people, even if you were a Sharks fan.

  1. Chris Tierney: Searching his name on Google images gives you a soccer player. An MLS soccer player.

    tierney


  2. Mirco Muller: A little-known fact about Mirco is that his head was the inspiration for Crazy Bones.

    mueller


  3. Melker Karlsson: I already wrote an article on this site last year on why the Sharks are Sens West. Adding a Karlsson to the blue line is just another chapter in the story. I was going to go with some guy named "Joe Thornton" for #3, but the team insisted that he isn't a Shark, nor has he ever played for the Sharks.

    what the hell is a melker


  4. Chris Phillips: Oh hey whoops he's yours now. Word of advice: don't play him against the Ducks.

    Totally real photo by @Capital_Gains65


  5. Chris Neil: It was a long flight back and there were only so many seats so...

    Horror provided by @Capital_Gains65

[Gameday info thing]

Editors note: This I didn't want to update here. Having it just the way it is makes me laugh. Let's just assume the Sharks are playing the Senators. You don't really want to watch this game, do you? Also, I'm lazy.

Prediction

Andrew Hammond is awarded the Vezina mid-game. David Legwand passes away peacefully from old age during the ceremony.