Well well. It's that Obama guy messing around with the Kings again. Oh, and the Galaxy showed up also. That was nice of them to tag along for a second time. Unfortunately, Mike Richards wasn't in the mood to knock back shots and throw spoons at Trevor Lewis with Joe Biden this time. But everyone else seemed to be in pretty good spirits with ol' Barry O. Then I started thinking who on the Kings I identified most with the current President of the United States. I pretty quickly settled on Robyn Regehr since he too has big ears and I irrationally blame him for everything.
Barack needs to work on his dead eyes a little bit. So who are the rest of the Kings like?
Drew Doughty is William Howard Taft
For the obvious reasons. Did you know Taft became a United States Supreme 7-Layer Burrito Justice after his presidency? I suppose this means Doughty will become a referee later on. Then he can see how it feels when a loud, angry twenty-something year old screams that he is a blind fucking idiot at him.
Political platform of choice: Beer Counts as a Meal Progressives
Most famous speech: "We should make Trevor take out the trash all the time. I don't see why I should do it."
Jeff Carter is Bill Clinton
Charismatic. Handsome. Party animal. These are just a few of the shared qualities that I could think of off the top of my head between these two guys. Bill Clinton got busted for getting a blow job from an intern, and Jeff Carter got busted for convincing people that Mike Richards was ever good at hockey. I suppose this makes Kings fans Hillary or something. Vote Dunn'16!
Political platform of choice: Whichever one has got the most ladies
Most famous speech:
Jake Muzzin is Martin Van Buren
Jake Muzzin and his eyebrows are akin to Martin Van Buren and his sideburns: Recklessly out of control and dangerous. They also benefit from hanging around cooler, more successful people (Doughty, Andrew Jackson), but also have insulting nicknames. Like "Martin Van Ruin" and "GOD DAMMIT MUZZIN".
Political platform of choice: Hair for a Better Tomorrow
Most famous speech: *awkward overly excited mouth breathing laughs for 15 minutes*
Alec Martinez is John F. Kennedy
Also handsome. Both had their trials and tribulations with declining Corsi numbers/Bay of Pigs. Nerds will try and say that they aren't too remarkable. To that we say, "Shut the fuck up." However, both of them will live on as legends in the public's eye due to a very famous single shot being taken. Though Alec actually took his shot, whereas ol' Johnny only received his.
Political platform of choice: Ride in Closed Roof Cars
Most famous speech:
Jonathan Quick is Ronald Reagan
Reagan is something of a demigod these days even though his policies have been reviewed as not being so great. BUT he ended the Cold War*. Jonathan Quick has yet to find his form from 2012 where he looked like the greatest goalie ever to exist. BUT he has two Stanley Cups!** Both had great speeches that knew how to fire up crowds, though I'm pretty sure Reagan swore more in his.
*The USSR kind of did themselves in
**Damn right he does. Fuck you.
Political platform of choice: Family Guy References of the People
Most famous speech: "Look at this fucking country"
Marian Gaborik is Franklin Delano Roosevelt
Incredibly good at their jobs. They were able to get us through the toughest times. Both spend a lot of time being unable to use their legs for whatever reasons.
Political platform of choice: For God's sake, stop hitting me
Most famous speech: "The only thing we have to fear is Joe Thornton taking a run at you from behind."
Jamie McBain is Zachary Taylor
Remember these guys? i don't either. Probably because neither one of them are actually pictured here. Taylor died after being in office for like half an hour because he thought he was impervious to snow storms, pneumonia, and death. Zachary Taylor also sounds like some kid in a boy band's name. I don't remember anything about Jamie McBain besides a lot of Simpsons jokes.
[Note: Someone pointed out that Zachary Taylor didn't die of pneumonia, but rather it William Harrison. Taylor apparently still died pretty early in office. Who are you going to believe though? Some bullshit called "history", or me? In any case, it proves how unmemorable he was.]
Political platform of choice: Who? Them?
Most famous speech: "Seriously, I'm still on the team. I'm on the Los Angeles Kings. Let me on the plane. This isn't funny."
Dustin Brown is Gerald Ford
I just kind of imagine Ford was a big goofy dope that was put in charge despite everyone thinking that probably wasn't the best idea.
Political platform of choice: Stronger Knees for America
Most famous speech: "I like macaroni."
Mike Richards is Richard Nixon
We thought we had something special. As it turns out, they were total frauds despite the rampant amount of success they brought to everybody. Both are Tricky Dicks.
Political platform of choice: AHL Millionaires Anonymous
Most famous speech: "For fuck's sake, I've won two Stanley Cups. You can't do this to me."
Dwight King is Theodore Roosevelt
After taking over their loser predecessors when they crapped out, both rose to immediate success. Teddy Roosevelt became President after William McKinley couldn't handle getting shot, and Dwight King got promoted after Ethan Moreau failed to do anything at all. Holy shit, remember Ethan Moreau? Wow. Roosevelt's foreign policy followed his line of "Speak softly and carry a big stick". Dwight King improved upon this by not speaking at all and carrying a big knife.
Political platform of choice: It's Not Murder if You Don't Get Caught
Most famous speech: *Dwight smiles*
My Capitals logo looks more like it belongs to Weezer. Anyways, I think I just exhausted my knowledge of U.S. history, which is pretty much knowledge only accumulated from fifth grade.
Prediction: Crap. The Kings are playing a game? Uh...They lose 4-3. Goals by Kopitar, Stoll, and Williams.