Kings Gameday: Help Wanted

It's the point in the year again where the Kings actively look for some help. Specifically, help from the Columbus Blue Jackets. The ol' BJs have given the Kings the likes of Jeff Carter for Jack Johnson (ouch) and Marian Gaborik in exchange for draft picks and Matt Frattin (even more ouch). Now the Kings require some aid yet again, what with still being out of a playoff spot. Columbus is sitting well out of the hunt, and since the two teams are bestest bros, they can spot Los Angeles another star.

The Kings' depth up front is a little shaky right now with the dependence on Nick Shore, Trevor Lewis on the third line, and using Andy Andreoff at all. But the real issue has been their defense. Jamie McBain is okay in case of emergencies, and Brayden McNabb still seems tentative at the NHL level with everything being asked of him this season. Also, I have my severe doubts Slava Voynov is coming back this season. So...what can ya set us up with Columbus?

Jordan Leopold

Veteran defenseman. Expiring contract. He's been traded at every deadline for the past decade. The downside: He's a seventh defenseman on a draft lottery team. He also looks like old Carol Channing.

Scott Hartnell

A former Flyer AND on the Blue Jackets? Okay, this trade is probably happening whether or not the GMs even know it. It's simply nature's course. However his contract goes on for another four seasons at a hit of 4.75 million per. He also is a more natural fit with Anaheim because he looks like Rahzar from the Ninja Turtles, and his buddy Tokka is the captain of the Ducks.

David Savard

He's a defenseman that is right handed. I know nothing else about him. Good enough for me! Trade two first round picks and Pearson for him. He appears to be related to Chip and Dale from the Rescue Rangers. Side note: Apparently, people really have a thing for Gadget from that show. We live in a sick, sick world.

Artem Anisimov

He's only got one year after this season on his contract and is a big guy. The Kings like big guys. The problem is he is Russian, and I don't know if the Kings are ready to get back into another relationship with one. Anisimov looks like a young Stalin.

James Wisniewski

He is a shit stain. An expensive shit stain. He also is a big right handed defenseman. He looks like a Nazi. He did almost kill Brent Seabrook a while back, so he could be useful if the Kings run into the Blackhawks in the playoffs again.

Ryan Johansen

The heir apparent to Mike Richards. The Kings will have to get creative to land him, possibly by including a fifth round draft pick along with Derek Forbort and Richards. The Blue Jackets will definitely do thit trade. Trust me. His only downside is that his name is Ryan and all Ryans are naturally insufferable, arrogant assholes because they are better than everybody else. He also looks like older, emo-y Dean Venture.

Jack Johnson

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha fuck no. He looks like Robert Z'Dar. One more note, I don't know what Jack Johnson's dad looks like but I always figured he was pretty much Monterey Jack from Chip and Dale also.

Anyways, here's what the Kings can offer!

Mike Richards!

He has valuable Cup winning experience?

Derek Forbort!

Is he good? Does he have a future in the NHL? Does he have a future, period? We don't know either! It's a mystery! He could possibly be the next Bobby Orr. C'mon don't be a pussy. Take a shot.

Slava Voynov!

Will you have to pay his salary? Can he even be traded? Shut up and take him.

More draft picks!

The Kings still have some laying around somewhere, right?

Since the Kings are back to being completely unbeatable I don't know why everyone thought they were doomed in the first place. Clearly, the Stanley Cup is theirs already. The league should just cancel the remainder of the season and give it back to the Kings now. See ya next season, losers!

Prediction: Someone starts posting a lot of inappropriate Gadget pictures.