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El Viaje Misterioso de Nuestro Los Angeles (The Mysterious Voyage of Los Angeles)

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The Kings are on a quest...to find their a playoff spot. Because the regular season doesn't matter, right?

Let us remember Ryan for who he was:

Hi! I'm covering for Ryan because he was last seen tweeting about moving a toilet (Corey Perry's home). I can only assume he is dead because he came in contact with something contagious. Stace has taken to chainsmoking to cope with this devastating loss while Jer is just stuck in a loop of "lazy dog dangling afternoons".


The mysterious voyage our Kings has been questionably sound at times. Their play has been weaker than Ned Flander’s "Five Alarm Chili". It's two alarms tops. Though they're lucky as Arizona is a disaster on ice. They've entered the tank wars lead by their barbaric asshole captain and a goaltender who freaks out as much as Jonathan Quick.

To help the Kings prep for tonight, I made a list of things they need to do.

  • Jeff Carter - Find your soulmate. Your kindred spirit, the one whom you share an unspoken bond. You know who I mean.
  • Drew Doughty - More possessions. Do you even own a computer, Drew?
  • Anze Kopitar - Turn yourself in at the Hague. We know what you did in World War II.
  • Jordan Nolan - Don't be an idiot. Actually no -- go around the ice threatening people for inner peace or you'll mop the floor with them.
  • Tyler Toffoli - Quit listening to Jim Nabors, Glen Campbell, and the Doodletown Pipers. They stink, you damn wiener kid.

That desert is so empty and barren -- sure looks a lot like where the 'Yotes play.

They have an opportunity tonight to take on coyotes that may or may not exist. Make sure if you're attending or watching the game you consume as many Guatemalan insanity peppers as possible to improve your viewing experience.

You want a nice ripe pepper like this one. It's gotta be fluorescent red with lime green patterning if you want the right buzz for this game. Here's a great example of the type of insanity pepper you want shown below. Make note of the crisscross patterning. That'll get you seeing things like faceless wives, coyote faces in the sky, and turtles that spells things out in sand.

In their last ten games a 5-4-1 record isn't good enough. I mean if you can let pathetic overachieving Calgary continue to gain momentum you've failed. 

Prediction:

Before the game Jeff Carter eats too many insanity peppers, is waived, and sent to Manchester to be with Mike Richards. Kings win 4-2 with goals from Dustin Brown x2, Tyler Toffoli, and Andrej Sekera. Shane Doan, jealous of Dustin Brown's scoring contracts Rocky Mountain Fever again and licks Regehr putting him on LTIR.