clock menu more-arrow no yes

Filed under:

Los Angeles Ducks of Anaheim Gameday: You're not so different

New, 36 comments

Ryan and Jared don't care about their teams, just like the rest of their fanbases, so I'm taking over.

barf
barf
who cares

Oh, Anaheim. Oh, Los Angeles. How I loathe you. Let me count the ways.

Now I understand that Anaheim fans do not actually follow their team, and Los Angeles fans cannot actually read, so I will try to speak in terms that you'll understand. Be warned, there will not be many pictures, but I will try not to use words with more than three syllables. If you have trouble with them, you can always google the meaning or perhaps go to the local skatepark where the cop who gave you a helmet ticket can help you. Try not to look too ethnic or homeless though, the cop will probably tase you. You wouldn't want to intimidate the entitled upper-middle class by being a human, after all.

The point of doing this joint gameday post is not to accent how lazy Jared and Ryan are for not wanting to do their own work. The point is to illustrate that there is really no point in having two gameday posts on Ducks-Kings gamedays, or in fact, three California teams at all. The Ducks and the Kings are the same goddamn team. They're interchangeable. Sure, most of the Kings roster is in jail right now, but that's really the only difference between these blood blisters. Allow me to give you some examples.

Anaheim is LA. LA is Anaheim.

Both cities are disgusting. They hide behind a mile or two stretch in each city where it is actually livable, and then the rest is just an overflowing dumpster of soiled baby diapers. Filled with smog, overpriced for absolutely no reason, and crime riddled garbage towns that make surrounding cities drop in property and moral value. Residences believe that they are living in luxury because it's Southern California, but it's hard to get past that they all stick their asses out of their car window during rush hour and shit on the 5 freeway.

Anaheim and Los Angeles is like bringing a taste of Central California (not the coast, think...Bakersfield) to Southern California. At least it's not called Anaheim County so that the rest of Orange County doesn't have the stink of Anaheim in their name. A good amount of people believe that Los Angeles County = City of Los Angeles, which is a shame because there ARE great cities in LA county but no one will ever know so people think that toilet town is the same as Long Beach, Manhattan Beach, Pasadena, etc,.

Both the Kings and the Ducks' rosters are filled with pissbabies.

They have to have a diaper service go to the Honda Center, Staples Center, and to travel with both teams on the road, which is very expensive for the league. Temper tantrums have become so common in Anaheim and Los Angeles' games that Las Vegas have set odds specifically for the teams, for example, for tonight's game, the over/under for tantrums is set at 6.9--so nice that I'll be taking the over.

Anyway, don't look at the jerseys of these players, only their reactions. Don't they seem like they could all be on the same team?

<iframe width="560" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/5NZMoMvWL4Q?rel=0" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>

Just to name a few. I've worked with children and most do believe that in fact pissing in your pants is embarrassing, so what's the deal Anaheim and Los Angeles?

The Ducks and the Kings are both dirty.

It's really adorable when the Ducks and Kings play each other and fans attempt to argue that their team in particular is not as dirty as the opponent. Newsflash: both of your teams are filled with head hunting, knee thrusting, needle dicks. The world would respect you as a fan so much more if you would stop living in a fantasy world where your team is not dirty because guess what? T-R-A-S-H.

For those of you thinking "well, you have no room to talk because your team employs Raffi Torres and John Scott," you couldn't be more wrong. This makes me an expert on dirty players!

[Bobby Ryan has since left the Ducks, but look at the culture Southern California hockey instills]

I just had to throw this one in there because it's the funniest thing I've ever seen

Okay, this one too.

Aren't all of them so interchangeable?

The fans are so embarrassing.

I try not to rip too hard on Ducks and Kings fans this season (I've been holding back) because believe or not, Jared and Ryan are quite sensitive men with lots of feelings. I don't want to hurt them. Also, I like my job here and Jared told me that if I was mean to him one more time he would fire me. I kind of got used to not writing the last few weeks and it was nice, so fuck it.

Everything that the fans do and the marketing department for each team does to make the fans engage is the most annoying thing in the world entire world. Let's discuss the marketing department first and then how it trickles down to the fans. I've already written here about how the Kings twitter essentially ruined sports marketing forever, and of course you know that the Ducks people had to engage in the awful meme culture as well: This is old news. We all know that the Kings ruined everything and that the Ducks are somehow an even worse version of it now.

How it trickles down to the fans are simply this: their fans think it is edgy and cool when in reality it is actually painting a picture of why baby boomers ruined the future for millenials--because they enabled them to do shit like this in their free time rather than something meaningful.

I kind of got ranty there for a minute, but also, Ducks fans and Kings fans don't go to games (stubhub buying all your tickets is not a real sell out), they mostly have no idea what they're talking about (some of this has to do with the illiteracy issue, so I apologize), and they also use a lot of homophobic, sexist and racial slurs as insults online and at games (I've never heard of any other fans of different sports teams ever doing something like that).

Jim Fox is as bad as Brian Hayward

Wah, wah, wah, wah, waaaaaaaaah. "But our announcers are the best in the world!!!" "Really, who says that?" "I don't know, other Kings fans." Nobody gives a shit about your homer announcers. Jim Fox and Brian Hayward will be the perfect tandem when the teams officially merge.

Nobody gives the tiniest inkling of a shit about Southern California hockey in Southern California

I have no subpoint, that's about it for that one.

Conclusion

Merge these two shit stains together and I guarantee you that no one in Southern California will care or notice. It also just makes so much sense, plus think of what the teams could save in buying stamps.

Gameday!

Anaheim Kings vs. Los Angeles Ducks

7:00pm PST

Etnies Skatepark Arena

NBC-SN and whatever shit local networks these teams play on

Prediction:

Dustin Brown and Corey Perry knee each other and morph into the biggest super douche to ever walk the earth. The merger of the two teams occur during second intermission, game canceled.

Setting the Tone:

<iframe width="560" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/nzY2Qcu5i2A?rel=0" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>

The new goal song after the merger is complete

Tweet(s) of the Day:

<blockquote class="twitter-tweet" lang="en"><p>Corey Perry looks like Bill Simmons&#39; fuckface little brother</p>&mdash; Kanye Twitty (@AnthraxJones) <a href="https://twitter.com/AnthraxJones/status/574045897522348032">March 7, 2015</a></blockquote>

<script async src="//platform.twitter.com/widgets.js" charset="utf-8"></script>

<blockquote class="twitter-tweet" lang="en"><p>Quick somebody make a good joke about the Ducks and Kings!</p>&mdash; SC (@stace_ofbase) <a href="https://twitter.com/stace_ofbase/status/578193906845622272">March 18, 2015</a></blockquote>

<script async src="//platform.twitter.com/widgets.js" charset="utf-8"></script>

This thread is alright, give it a click!

Awful Hockey Tattoo(s) of the Day:

Refer to The Royal Half for a slew of awful Kings tattoos, but also:

Every day I think I see the most Orange County thing ever and now I'm sure I have...for today that is.