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Sharks Gameday: Abandon All Hope

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After a decade of mostly good times, the Sharks are doomed.

I just...I just can't do it anymore.
I just...I just can't do it anymore.
Anne-Marie Sorvin-USA TODAY Sports

I thought I was out, but then some girl goes and gets herself knocked up and has to have a shotgun wedding and I'm forced to write a Sharks gameday post. What a bunch of bullshit. I have better things to do, but whatever.

So this is how it all ends.

It's so strange, coming back here and being forced to take a good, long look at the Sharks. I've been blissfully detached from hockey for most of this season, and have managed to go days and sometimes even weeks at a time without knowing exactly what place the Sharks were in, or what line combinations they were using, or which goalie might start the next game.

It's been a wonderful mental break, and I heartily recommend it to all of you.

But now here I am. I feel like I've returned to a home town of which I have fond memories only to find it full of garbage and criminals.

The Sharks are done. They won't be good again for years. It has all come crashing down.

Everyone can see it, even professional Wilford Brimley impersonators. The team has no confidence because 1) they aren't good and 2) they aren't stupid enough to be blind to the fact that they suck.

When the Kings reverse-swept the Sharks out of the playoffs last year it broke the brains of both Doug Wilson and Todd McLellan, and neither one of them have been able to make any good decisions since. The subsequent year of mismanagement has turned a team that went up 3-0 on the Stanley Cup Champions into a disjointed bumble-fuck of a mess that probably won't make the playoffs, which is great because who the hell would want to watch this team in the playoffs?

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Aside from the inevitable firings of coach and GM, all we as Sharks fans have to look forward to over the next few seasons are the continued fade-outs of Joe Thornton and Patrick Marleau and the desperate struggle to turn Logan Couture into a player who can carry a franchise, which is not a thing that is going to happen.

So what I'm trying to say is that you shouldn't care about the Sharks anymore because they are only going to hurt you and let you down. Seriously, just take a year or two off from following the team and you'll be amazed at how good you feel.

But of course it isn't easy to just stop caring. It's helpful to have something new to attach your passion and attention to, so I've put together a few suggestions.

5 Things You Should Try Caring About Instead of the San Jose Sharks

#1 Politics

Whether you prefer Hillary Clinton or Jeb Bush, the next presidential election is going to be an electrifying one! And with interesting issues to argue about like drone warfare, NSA spying, and the role of the United States internationally, there's never been a better time to start caring about politics!

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#2 Food

There are a lot of choices to go with here. You could care passionately about the authenticity of your cuisine, refuse to eat fast food, become a vegetarian or vegan, go gluten free, start eating sugar-free stuff for diabetics, only eat meat from animals you killed with your bare hands, or one of a dozen other possible food lifestyles that are all equally pointless because this is a world of shit and we're all going to die no matter what we do.

If you do decide to care about your food, please know that nobody else ever wants to hear about it, so shut up about it.

#3 Beer

We've all seen those assholes who auto-tweet about their dumb beer badges, right? Well I know that looks totally pathetic and dorky to you and me, but there has to be some reason they do stuff like that. Maybe being really really into beer is fun? Just think, if you become a beer snob then you can gather around with all your bearded buddies and talk about hops and stouts and barley until you turn into god damn Tolkien characters just like you want!

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#4 The Los Angeles Kings

With two Stanley Cups in the past three years and a team that always seems to come through challenges stronger than ever, the Kings are a great choice for a sports fan looking for an ego boost.

#5 Video Games This is a terrible suggestion.


Apparently this gameday widget thing is broken now and it's just never gotten fixed? Jesus, this place has gone downhill since I left.

Well the Sharks are playing the Canucks and it doesn't matter if they win or lose so I recommend you don't watch and try not to care.

Prediction: Hellraid is 2015's surprise game of the year!